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Canada for Dummies

By The Second City | Dec 11, 2013

What’s the deal with “Canada?”

The Second City Toronto thought a good place to start would be to answer your burning questions about all things Canadian.

Where is Canada?

Great first question!  To find us, just drive North until a man with a gun stops you.  Or, if you don’t choose to go through Detroit, drive North until you reach a politely-manned Canadian border patrol station.

So, like, Rob Ford, am I right?

Well, you technically phrased that as a question, so…  Yes, you are right.

Is Canada part of America?

Yes. Yes, it is. It is a part of the North American continent. But is it a part of the United States? The answer to that is also yes. Technically we’re a different country, but we’re so dependent on the USA culturally and economically that we’re like your orphaned cousin Eddie who lives in the attic.  Just because we have our own room doesn’t mean we have our own house.

I heard you guys have free health care. Can we borrow it?

No. Sarah Palin borrowed it once, and now she’s constantly slagging it.

What is it with you guys and gravy?

I know, right? There’s like gravy everywhere! It’s on Poutine (french fries, cheese curds, gravy), Yorkshire pudding (bready thing with gravy that’s not pudding) and our fast food chicken (entirely made of gravy). There’s even a gravy train, so we’ve heard, but nobody seems to be able to find it.

I hear Canadians are really polite. Is that true?

That’s a dumb question. And fuck you.

Do you have a president?  

We might, but we don’t think so. We know we have a Prime Minister named Stephen Harper who likes cats and plays the piano.  He’s also a neo-conservative intellectual from Alberta oil country. In other words, he’s a smarter version of George W. Bush. In other words he’s Jeb Bush.

What is Canada for?

Our major exports are:

  • Oil
  • Hockey
  • A smug sense of moral superiority

So far, the United States only buys the oil.

Aren’t Justin Bieber, Ted Cruz and Celine Dion Canadian?

Please stop calling them Canadian. They’re your problem now.

But like, seriously, Rob Ford! Rob M&*%-F#@! Ford!!

No further questions.

Klaus Schuller is the producer of The Second City Toronto and a recent applicant for Canadian Citizenship.

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