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Why Americans Need Assault Rifles

By The Second City, C.J. Tuor | Jul 9, 2014

A lot of people got shot in Chicago over the Fourth of July weekend… which I think proves we are truly free. But for some reason, a lot of quitters want to give up our right to bear armories.

There are plenty of “responsible” gun owners who use their small arms “reasonably” and will listen to “logical restrictions.” But who’s defending the irresponsible? The upstanding Americans who need a semi-automatic in order to get through those really tough Mondays and need to pack heat to order a hot drink.

Here are 5 reasons that our country needs every man, woman and child to stock up on assault rifles like Red Dawn was a best-case scenario. 

1. America Has to Be Known for Something

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America is falling behind the rest of the world when it comes to education, health, happiness, and the ability to catch a ball on a string in a cup. (Damn you, Sweden!) But we are still #1 in gun violence, and we’re beating some places that literally have no laws. That’s impressive.

So what if we are not the smartest kid in class? We ‘re the sexy, dangerous one. The good-looking street tough who’s got a killer attitude and goes home to just the worst domestic situation you’ve ever seen. 

2. Hunting is Getting Tougher

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When people purchase small WMDs at gun shows to avoid the needless hassle of background checks, they usually check the “for hunting” box on the application they don’t have to fill out. 

One may ask, “Why do you need armor-piercing bullets to kill a bear who, at most, would be wearing a hat and neck tie?” 

Thanks to pollution, the time of Bambi is long over. Lack of resources have forced coyotes to move into the city and join street gangs. Deer have grown a thick skin to defend themselves from all the broken beer bottles left in their natural habitat.

It takes nothing less than a Beretta M12 submachine gun to take down today’s deforestation-hardened quail. 

3. We Have Powerful Enemies

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Sure, back in the day a simple handgun or, in extreme situations, being nice to your neighbors could keep your home safe. If you watch the modern 24-hour news networks, however, you know that there is more than just John Q. Burglar you have to worry about: 

We have to defend ourselves from the guerrilla terrorist cells and Mexican drug cartels that the media keeps telling us live right next door. 

It’s a terrifying world out there,and the only way to survive is to become equally terrifying. 

4. Updating the Constitution is Hard

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Many argue that the Founding Fathers could never have predicated how awesome guns would have been in the future. Well, I never thought that I would drive my car into lake Michigan because I was fighting off a swarm of bees that nested in my trunk, but it’s too late to change my insurance policy now!

Our government’s got a lot of important of stuff to do that it’s already currently not doing. We can’t add “going back and fixing mistakes” to their workload. I mean, have you ever tried to change your cell phone company contract? 

It’s easier to just let it be and keep it in mind for the next government we start up. I hear there are loads of well-armed gentlemen in the woods who have some interesting ideas.  

5. We Have to be Like Our Heroes 

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In America, our heroes have guns! John McClane, Rambo, Ellen Ripley… heck, we gave the Terminator his own state! (And it only caught fire a few times.) We want to emulate these men and woman. We could try to mimic their bravery, quick thinking, their desire to defend the defenseless and speak for all those who have no voice… but that’s hard.

It’s a lot easier to buy a tank top and a M60 machine gun.

C.J. Tuor is a graduate of The Second City Conservatory and performs every Saturday night at 9 PM in the DeMaat Theatre with Moxie, A Second City Training Center Ensemble. C.J. also performs at The Annoyance Theatre in Hitch*Cocktails.

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