You re probably thinking that Laura Dern is an actress and shouldn t be on the court alongside the NBA…
Once again, the holidays are just around the corner. The Big Giant Boom Boom Explodey War may have wiped out 90% of humanity this year, but don’t worry. Thanks to our die-hard culture of rampant, short-sighted consumerism, we still have our precious Black Friday.
Get your tent ready, because this year’s doorbusters are some of the biggest we’ve ever had!
Primitive fire has made a huge comeback ever since we nuked the planet while fighting over the last of the oil. Give the gift of warmth and light this holiday season with this portable butane lighter from the Days of Excess. Just 15 bottle caps!
Nothing says holidays like temporarily preventing your loved ones from starving during the Aftermath. Get above ground by 6AM and pay only 25 bottle caps. Food prices this low will make it seem like the gluttonous depletion of our natural resources never even happened!
Only a couple of these left in stock. This animal’s carefree nature will remind you of the days when we had everything we could possibly need. Hurry in before they’re extinct!
Spoil your family this year by splinting their broken bones and cleaning their infected gashes. Beat the angry mob by getting here early and avoid having to use it on yourself. (Life hack: If you have any leftover rubbing alcohol, stir it in with some apple juice for a festive cider!)
There’s still a little left, and no underground bunker would be complete without it. Ideal as fuel for your vehicle, your generator or for burning the corpses of loved ones before the Sickness takes control. One can, only 250 bottle caps!
Not dying of dehydration is huuuuuge this season. Surprise your loved ones with water that isn’t contaminated with parasitic worms and radioactive fallout. The bottles make great stocking stuffers!
Turn heads at your next holiday gathering by showing up without the accumulated layers of sweat, blood, and dirt all over your body. Your friends will barely recognize you, if you have left.
No friends? No family? No problem. Splurge on fifteen minutes of one-on-one conversation with a staff member. Only 50 bottle caps, or throw in ten more to get a hug!
Remember when we had public sanitation? That was pretty cool.
Piece of string
So entertaining. So versatile. Tie stuff to it, hang a tool, play a game where you throw it on the ground and see what shape it makes. Wow, the gift that keeps on giving!
57” Sony plasma TV
Superior picture quality, sleek design. Worth spilling any amount of blood over.
David Calkins is a comedian and writer living in Portland, OR. Currently, he performs as an improviser with the Brody Theater and has worked/trained with Second City faculty in sketch and satire. Follow him on Twitter @dav_calkins for show info, writing, and opinions he can’t keep to himself.