Another lifelong friendship forged at The Second City: “We met at Second City Detroit. Tim was my Level A teacher.”
After a summer of fun and avoiding your peers, it’s back to the classroom! But school doesn’t teach you the real important stuff in life, so here’s some handy tips from someone who hasn’t been a kid in nearly two decades, and isn’t a parent either.
Internet rumors are true
If kids are bad-mouthing you on Snapchat or Instagram or whatever other app, you should listen to them. They’re putting their opinions about you out into the world for a reason, so take the hint and make some changes. (Unless that change is to kill yourself. Do not kill yourself.) I’m an adult in her 30s–EW! Sooo old, right?– and I take to heart whatever anyone says about me on the internet, good or bad. Strangers on the internet know you better than you know yourself.
You don’t need to go to college
Imagine you saved up a ton of candy, like a Mount Rushmore-sized amount of candy. You learned about Mount Rushmore in Social Studies, right? No? Google it. Anyway, you then decide to spend four years learning about stuff to get a degree because your parents say it’s important. Parents are sooo lame. Well, after those four years, not only would all that candy be gone, you’d have to figure out a way to find more candy to give away for the rest of your life. And I promise you, you’ll never, ever have enough candy. Even doctors and lawyers don’t have enough candy.
There are no razor blades in Halloween candy
I don’t know where this rumor started, but for decades children have been warned of the horrors lurking in their trick-or-treat bag, varying from Bics to poisoned candy. Never, in the history of what I personally know to be true, has a kid ever bitten into a Snickers only to lose half their tongue thanks to a rusty razor. Also, do you know the actual size of a razor? You’d have to be blind not to see it in your Kit Kat.
Maybe wait until you’re 15 or so to understand the warnings on Reddit about certain drugs, but believe me, drugs are fun! Your parents and police officers always tell kids not to do drugs, but here’s the thing: they most likely dabbled in illegal substances before you were born. Heck, some probably still do. If you frequently notice your mom or dad smells like a skunk, well, it isn’t actually a skunk. That’s called marijuana. Say it with me, MARY-WHO-ANA. And if your parents say they’ve never done drugs, they’re lying. Which brings me to my next point…
Your parents lie to you
Seriously, they do it all the time. Is your mom or dad talking to you right now? Whatever they’re saying is a lie. As I said before, drugs are fun. Let me drop some more knowledge: babies aren’t always the result of two people being in love, your face won’t freeze if you keep doing that, Santa isn’t real because there is no magic in this world, and sure, you probably won’t die for a very long time like your mom said, but there’s also a distinct possibility you will abruptly die tomorrow in a freak accident because life is fragile and meaningless and we are all nothing more than decaying vessels with eyeballs and nipples. But always brush your teeth. Parents are telling the truth about that.
Dana Angelo (@Dana_Angelo) is a comedy writer and performer originally from the majestic state of New Jersey.