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We’re closer than ever to The Apocalypse, and we have technology to thank for our impending doom. So while you’re sitting in a darkened theater live-tweeting Jobs— be warned…
The end is nigh, and here’s how I know:
1. You have to read your 15-year-old niece’s idiot friends’ inappropriate posts about her on her Facebook wall before you can go to sleep at night…
2. …And she has to read the inappropriate things your friends post on yours.
3. You must pack your iPad, iPod, MacBook, iPhone and Kindle when you travel. To Starbucks.
4. And at the airport? You aren’t sure what to take out for the security check. Just the laptop? That doesn’t even make sense…
5. Your ex wants you to get Snapchat so he can send you pictures of his dick.
6. You want to get Snapchat so you can ruin his life.
7. Auto-correct makes better choices than you do.
8. If your phone dies, you are no longer capable of: A) Getting Up B) Getting Anywhere C) Knowing You Have a Period.
9. You stockpile Groupons for Brazilian waxes and kayak tours for two. Just in case you meet someone.
10. Re-tweets make you feel whole again.
11. You talk to GrubHub more than you talk to your parents.
12. Candy Crush is a real thing that your adult friends can’t stop talking about.
13. Clones are the new doppelgängers. You swear you saw you across the street this morning. ORPHAN BLACK IS REAL!!!
14. You haven’t seen another human in a month, but you’ve talked AT them a lot online.
15. Chris “Ashton” Kutcher is starring in a Steve Jobs biopic.
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the national touring company and on the E.T.C. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.