Give your chops and upgrade and land the gig.
11. Instead of a Father’s Day card, send him a happy birthday card. Or eight happy birthday cards– one for every birthday of yours he forgot.
10. Tell him you’re picking him up at 7:00 to take him to his favorite restaurant. Never show. Send a strange adult to come stand with him while he waits. Pay the stranger to awkwardly pat his back and say “I’m sorry” every now and then.
9. Call him up and tell him all the ways that Mom is a dirty whore.
8. Bake him a Father’s Day cake. Sigh loudly when he starts to eat it. Casually bring up all his thin dad-friends in hopes he’ll take the hint– and fix his fat self.
7. Send him an email saying, “You should come stay with us. We have a cabin! We would really love to spend time with you since we never see you.” Never explain who “we” is.
6. Snapchat him pictures of all the furniture, walls and objects you’ve punched with little scribbles saying, “Learned from the best!”
5. Have your new girlfriend/boyfriend take him out to “get to know” him, ‘cause it’s “so cute” that you “have a dad.”
4. Play catch with him. Then when your brother comes out, make it a three-way game. Only throw the ball to your brother.
3. Tell him his “gift” is that you buried all your money in your backyard, and when he asks for some, threaten he’ll have to take you to court for it.
2. Pick him up in your new car, then swerve all over the road and scream, “I bet you wish you would have taught me how to drive now, huh!?!” For added fun, drive off a bridge yelling, “Driving’s for boys! Now go make yourself pretty, or you’ll be good for nothing!”
1. Do nothing. Live a happy and successful life, and get a shit-ton of therapy. Take solace in the fact that you are probably happier than he is. And even if you’re not, it’s not like you talk to him anymore — you’ll never find out.
Chelsea Devantez is an alum of The Second City Mainstage.