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A Fashion Guide For The Post-Paris Climate Agreement Wedding Season

By Alice Stanley Jr. | May 31, 2017

Wedding season has sprung, and those save-the-dates are pouring in! Don’t just pack your same pastel attire this year, be hip with the times! And nothing is trendier right now than President Trump threatening to drop the U.S. from the Paris Climate Agreement, right?

A Fresh Color Scheme

Weddings are usually time to bust out floral prints, but in lieu of celebrating Mother Nature, we’re all about coal this season! Three words: ash gray rompers (or RompHims). Bonus: Add a dead canary brooch. Show you are down for black lung in exchange for the unlikely minor (miner!) economic benefits.

Or consider calling Scott Pruitt at 202-564-4700 to urge him to respect the Paris Climate Agreement.

Layers

Why wear one outfit to a nuptial fest when you can wear three? Layer up! It’s allegedly supposed to be warm during wedding season, but considering that the U.S. is responsible for 18% of greenhouse gases for ratification (only second to China, with Russia in third place at 8%), who the hell knows what kind of climate change weather you’ll weather? Best be ready with a suit and tie over a bikini!

Or consider calling Scott Pruitt at 202-564-4700 to urge him to respect the Paris Climate Agreement.

Cute Galoshes

According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, climate change could increase extreme summer precipitation 400% this year! Goodbye, dancing to “Hey Ya” in wedges! Hello, chicken dance in muddy boots!

Or consider calling Scott Pruitt at 202-564-4700 to urge him to respect the Paris Climate Agreement.

American Style

Whatever funky, fresh global style you were eyeing–forget about it! Only A-line dresses and simple ties! Kimonos, temple hats and midriffs blouses are in, but trash them like our government wants to trash our relations with their countries of origin.

So, yeah. Consider calling Scott Pruitt at 202-564-4700 to urge him to respect the Paris Climate Agreement. And stay tuned for next year’s list, which may include gas masks…if those pipelines keep leaking.

Alice Stanley Jr. is a writer/performer in Chicago. Visit AliceStanleyJr.com for more info. Twitter/Instagram: @AStanJr.

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