At Second City, having a blast is mandatory... and so is staying safe.
The path from Hollywood to public office is well-trodden these days, with the political ascension of Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and many more. However, horror stars have been excluded from this fraternity of success stories. In this truly horrifying election cycle, here’s why Americans should encourage—nay, beg—Freddy Krueger to make Jason Voorhees his VP candidate and run together on a third-party ticket.
Theirs would be an issue-focused campaign
During their respective reigns of terror, the rates of drug use and teen pregnancy in the Crystal Lake and Elm Street areas dropped to 0%. Okay, so they were a little heavy-handed (pun intended), but results are results! Also, Jason was the victim of child bullying, which is how he drowned, and Freddy was the product of a failed mental health system when his mother was impregnated by asylum inmates. Should Jason and Freddy be elected, these causes will finally get special attention. Still, if Trump-esque sound bites are called for…
Freddy would steal Trump's thunder in the debates
Trump and Freddy are cut from the same cloth. They’re loud, flamboyant, and achieve their goals through threats and intimidation. The only way to make either of them go away is to ignore them. However, Freddy can actually back up his boasts. If, during a debate, Freddy threatened to rip Trump's heart out and drag his soul to hell, he would—and before Trump's lawyers could put out an injunction to prevent it.
(For the VP debates, Jason might need a little polishing up beforehand—mostly elocution—but he’ll be fine.)
They could end the gun control debate once and for all
Together, Jason and Freddy have killed hundreds of people. But never, ever did they use a gun--thus proving the NRA right: guns don’t kill people, people do. Or, in this case, homicidal psychopaths with machetes and knives for hands kill people. Potato, po-tah-to.
They couldn’t possibly nominate a creepier Supreme Court Justice than Clarence Thomas
Does anyone remember how C.T. left a pubic hair on a coworker’s Coke can?!! Who does that?!! Speaking of which…
They’d never get caught in a sex scandal
Neither Freddy nor Jason have ever expressed any interested in sex. Rather, they generally used pitchforks to impale anyone around them who did.True, it won’t be the fun White House of the Bill Clinton or JFK eras, but we *also* won’t have to hear endless Senate hearings and SNL jokes about interns having sex.
We could make drastic cuts to Secret Service spending
Protecting the President and Vice President has cost up billions over the years. Still, just a single bullet can kill any head of state. WEAK!! By now, it’s clear the only thing that can kill Jason or Freddy is poor box office returns. Which leads us to…
They are the poster villains for achieving economic success
Jason and Freddy have each made millions off their films— none of which have been a money-losing endeavor. Can Trump’s dozens of bankrupt companies or the Clinton Foundation make the same claim?
They’d still be considered moderates
Frightening, but true. Remember, they’d be running against a far-left control freak who’ll flip-flop on anything to get elected and a fucking reality TV star who wants to build a wall around Mexico.
Their campaign slogan is basically amazing
“America 2016: A New Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue” has an honesty lacking in both Clinton’s and Trump’s slogans.