Good news, psychologically unbalanced comedy fans!
Match up the perfect Trader Joe’s delicacies with the things bothering you most this week.
“Megyn Kelly” Moving to NBC : Turkey “Meatloaf Muffins”
It’s soooo cute! It’s a muffin! The mashed potatoes are the frosting, get it?! It’ll go down real easy on the same network that’s home to “The Celebrity Apprentice.” Nope, it’s still just a teeny lump of meatloaf. And one that insists that all kids should know that Santa can only be white, like those crusty ole mashed potatoes.
Anti-Abortion Legislation : Trader Joe’s Cage-Free Eggs
Before 2016 ended, Ohio governor John Kasich vetoed his state’s proposed “heartbeat” bill, which would prohibit abortions after about six weeks’ gestation, sooner than many women even realize they’re pregnant. Stop celebrating. It was only because he knew it wouldn’t fly–and was cool holding on to the current 20-week (no exceptions for rape or incest!), anti-woman, anti-Roe v. Wade agenda currently in place. For now. That vacant Supreme Court justice seat means it’s not over by a long shot, and 2017 will be hell for female reproductive systems.
On the flip side, the Trader Joe’s website tells us this: “In 2005, in response to valuable customer feedback, we made a change to have all Trader Joe’s brand eggs come only from cage-free hens.” Trader Joe’s made improving the quality of life for their female hens and their reproductive systems a priority 12 years ago.
Coincidentally, 2005 was also the year the “grab ‘em by the pussy” tape was filmed.
Russian Hacking : Steamed & Peeled Beets
Beets straight from the earth (at the farmers market) are the big, leafy, hairy balls of the vegetable section. Some would call them the most important vegetable in the world, nutritiously speaking. But–when they’re stripped and boiled and shrink wrapped, as they exist in the Trader Joe’s salad fixin’ section, the once-mighty beet is reduced to a tiny, unassuming thing. Next to that punchline of a veggie, kale. America used to be beets. Now we’re pretty much guaranteed to be pureed into Trader Иосиф’s Borscht.
Milo Yiannopoulos’s Book Deal : Charles Shaw Merlot
A fancy name can’t hide the fact that you’re cheap, bitter…and you make people with good taste want to vomit after dealing with you for more than two sips. Or 140 characters.
Donald Trump’s Presidency : 1000 Day Gouda
Trump takes office at noon Eastern Standard Time on January 20th. Should his term last four years, that means he will turn over the job to his successor at noon on January 20th, 2021. That’s 1461 days of being your (or not your) president.
Now, there’s a few ways you could do this, cheese-wise. You could get two 1000 Day Goudas and have about half left over at the end, or just get one Gouda, plus four of the Trader Joe’s Raw Milk Aged Cheddar, which only ripens for 120 days and will get you closer to the accurate total. To put that in perspective, only 117 days will have passed from the day of the first Trump/Clinton debate (“I have a winning temperament”) until his swearing in to the highest office in the land. Also, you’d need 30,000 1000 Day Goudas if you wanted to represent one day of aged Dutch cheese for each popular vote Hillary Clinton won by.
Any way you slice it, it’s really hard to swallow.
Liz Kozak (@LizKoz) is editor-in-chief.