Time for Illinois residents to start checking the pockets of their old jeans…
The kids are out of school, the AC’s shot, and if you lose another league softball game, you’re going to scream. Time to take a vacation! You get ten whole days every year to game plan how you’re going to make your job work–for real–and you might as well spend them on vacation. So kick back, put your tray tables in their upright and locked position, and enjoy our guide to things you have to do on your totally original trip to the Big City!
Oh, the sandwich is so good. They don’t make this sandwich just anywhere; you gotta go to The Town to get it for real. Yeah, you can get the sauce at the supermarket at home, but it’s like $7 and it’s not the same. Look at all the famous folks on the wall eating the sandwich! Aww, yeah. Does it come with the local brew? Crack one open and eat that sandwich! Your vacation is going great.
A Photo At The Statue
It’s right there, just like in the poster! You probably shouldn’t sit on the statue, but you absolutely can touch it. It’s probably covered in fingerprints. Go early in the morning (so it’s not too crowded), but when you can still find a person to snap it. Take a whiff, baby, because it reeks of profile picture over here. This is a fun and singular vacation!
Stretch your cultural muscles with a visit to the museum. Hopefully it won’t be filled with too many school groups, but they get bored pretty quick, so you can see the exhibit right up close. Don’t bring your camera for this one– that’s so tacky! Just focus your eyes on what’s in front of you and think about how lucky you are to get a look at history, an unbroken link stretching back through the ages and wrapping back around to today. Though you’re pretty much the only human in all that history ever to take this particular trip.
The House Where They Filmed That TV Show
It’s right there! I bet the people who live there are pretty irritated, so let’s just walk by. There’s no need to do the pose, or scream the catchphrase…ooooh, but you’re only here once! Seems like the paint has changed a little bit, and I guess the restaurant was just part of the set at the production studio, but this is no doubt the house. Now you can say you’ve been here! On your vacation! Who else can say that??
The Stadium Tour
Sure, you’re not a fan or anything, but you can probably have a second team for a week, right? Dang, wish you had been here just a little earlier so you could catch a game, but it’ll be fun to go behind the scenes and learn what kind of dye they use on all the banners. You might even be able to walk right past the front row seats and actually get right into the action. Remember to go midday so you can get a bite at the Hall of Famer’s restaurant for lunch right after. No one’s done this vacation before!
Have An Affair
Alright, let’s cut the shit. Have an affair. There are hotels, there are phones, there are body parts. Do what you need to do. Full anonymity and discretion in a city made for carnal pleasures. Give yourself a few hours, make a connection, do the deed, take a shower, and feel the pulse of blood rushing through your veins again. Skin on skin, voice on voice. Take your life back into your own hands and give in to your body’s cries for rejuvenation.
A Quirky Art Neighborhood!
They have a mural from recycled smaller murals! What a one-of-a-kind experience this vacation has been!