An Op-Ed By Tony Romo: I Look Forward To The Many Injuries Awaiting Me As A Broadcaster

For the past fourteen NFL seasons, I have been blessed to go to work every day doing what I love—hurting myself for America’s team, the Dallas Cowboys. While it’s been a wonderful, crazy ride, I have decided that it’s time to call it a career. I am retiring from football on my own terms and would like to take this opportunity to thank my family, Jerry Jones (who took a big chance on me back in 2003), my teammates and the fans for allowing me to put my health on the line every week I was on the active roster rather than injured reserve. It means more to me than any of you will ever know.

I know what you’re all thinking. Tony, will you be satisfied if you’re not playing football? I admit, it’s a question I’ve asked myself a lot over the past few weeks, but I know it’s time, and that’s the most important thing. When you no longer have a desire to feel the physical pain of grotesque bodily injuries, it’s time to give it up. That’s where I am. It wouldn’t be fair to my teammates to go back now. Sure, there are things I will miss about football—broken collar bones, concussions, cracked vertebrae, other broken collar bones—but I am excited about the opportunities ahead. The future is bright and hobbley for old Tony Romo.

In fact, I have already made the decision to join CBS and begin my future in broadcasting. I will be fulfilling another lifelong dream by officially joining the ranks of Jim Nantz, James Brown (not that one), Phil Simms and the like. It will also present many new and exciting ways in which I can hurt myself: being hit by a big camera, tripping over wires, someone holding a boom mic over the shoulder and turning around real fast and hitting me in the face “Three Stooges”-style. The possibilities are almost endless. Plus, I’ll be spending a lot more time at home, and we have a lot of stairs.

Again, as I make this transition, I want to thank everyone in the Cowboys organization as well as all the Cowboy fans across the country for taking me in and letting me be a part of this team’s great legacy. I also want to thank the medical staffs at Texas Health Presbyterian Hospital, Parkland Hospital, Baylor University Medical Center at Dallas, Medical City Dallas Hospital, Methodist Dallas Medical Center, Kindred Hospital of Dallas, LifeCare Hospitals of Dallas, Dallas Medical Center, William P. Clements, Jr. University Hospital, Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children, Zale Lipshy University Hospital, and North Dallas Alternative Medicine for all the care you’ve shown me over the past fourteen years.

It’s been a lot of fun, guys. God bless. Good luck. And I’m pretty sure I just sprained my wrist.

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Joseph Thomas (@jtscatcat) is a comedy writer from Savannah, TN. For more, visit his website.