Sorry, Summer of 2016, but I’m Breaking Up with You

Summer romances are meant to be as fleeting as the humid days and breezy nights, which means the time has come, Summer of  2016, for us to part ways. And if I’m being completely honest here, it’s definitely you, not me. What’s that? You don’t understand? Stop playing Pokémon Go for one second and listen to me.

Sure, you came at a time when I was feeling a bit down. The world had just lost David Bowie and Prince, Donald Trump was named the Republican nominee for President of the United States, and Burger King started selling hot dogs.

You had so much potential. There were so many good things that were supposed to happen-- “Suicide Squad,” Taylor Swift dating Tom Hiddleston, the Rio Olympics. But now, Jared Leto won't get another Oscar nomination, everyone on the internet hates TayTay, and the Olympics have displayed what a disgustingly misogynistic and racist world we live in and that newspapers aren't afraid to use it as material for headlines.

Yes, the Olympics further proved that Michael Phelps is a mopey human-dolphin hybrid with chlorine instead of blood cells, the American women's gymnastics team is incredible, and probably that we all wish our parents pushed us to do more with our lives, but the real highlight was Leslie Jones! For an ephemeral moment, Jones managed to do what you-know-who never will: she made America mildly great again. In fact, if it weren't for all the nonsense of attributing female athletes' victories to their husbands and/or male coaches, we might all feel a teeny tiny bit better about the state of our nation, thanks to our Olympians.

Speaking of, Summer of 2016, I think you have a real problem with women. Maybe you have some Mother Nature issues, I don't know, but it shows. So what if “Ghostbusters” was remade but with an all-female cast? They should've had Gilda Radner play the fifth Ghostbuster back in 1984!

Honestly, you seem a bit behind the times, Summer of 2016. Your opinions are outdated, as were the movies you released over the past few months (“Independence Day,” “Angry Birds,” “Warcraft,” “The Legend of Tarzan”).

You've also torn families, communities and entire countries apart on a daily basis. As I'm writing this, there's flooding in Louisiana, fires in southern California, and so much violence around the world. This is the time of year for fireworks, not gunshots and bombs. Days should be spent outside, instead of fearing what might happen if you leave your home. I just can’t with you anymore, Summer.

I’m putting my sandalled foot down once and for all and saying goodbye to you, Summer of 2016. I’ve already got my eyes on Fall.

This post also appears on RedEyeChicago.com.

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Dana Angelo (@Dana_Angelo) is a comedy writer and performer originally from the majestic state of New Jersey.