Select Your Location

Don’t Let The Solar Eclipse Pass Without Using It To Burn Away These Painful Childhood Memories Seared Into Your Soul

By Amy Young | Aug 18, 2017

On August 21st, the moon will pass in front of the path of the sun, and–for a few short minutes– 84% of the sun’s rays will be blocked, while the other 16% will be as bright as ever. Scientists and opthamologists will tell you to wear infrared radiation-blocking safety glasses. Ignore all the safety warnings, stare right into the solar eclipse, and prepare to burn away some of the most painful images, both seen and imagined, lingering in your corneas and your memories since childhood.

Some choice sense memories to scorch might include:

  • The image of your grandparents “wrestling” when they thought you were watching The Little Mermaid. There was so much hair and so much loose skin all at the same time.
  • That time you really leaned into side swept bangs and eyeliner on picture day.
  • Your first Facebook profile photo from 2004 that’s just a picture of the poster for RENT/The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King/Invader Zim, depending on your particular brand of nerd.
  • Every factually incorrect, abortion scare tactic, pro-gun billboard you’ve ever seen while driving through Indiana to your grandma’s house.
  • Really, the whole state of Indiana.
  • The C you got in sixth grade art class. Never been a visual learner. Ruined your shot at a 12-year record as a straight-A student. Still stings.
  • Your first crush. His tie-dye shirts. The pet ferret he brought to show and tell. Where are you now, sweet Lucas? Have you cut off your rat-tail?
  • The photos from your Avril Lavigne-themed 13th birthday party. While we’re at it, the lyrics to “Sk8er Boi!” can probably also be sacrificed to the sun.
  • Finally, not necessarily from childhood, but still pretty childish: the conjured-up self image of how you would celebrate this eclipse in a perfect Instagram-able world. The Pinterest version of you had personalized solar-filtering safety glasses for her guests and a signature eclipse cocktail. You’re not her. You’ve never been her. You’re drinking box wine out of a paper cup in your mom’s backyard. And you like it that way.

Happy Eclipse, everyone! Next time one comes around, we’ll all be dead.

________________________________________________________

Amy Young is an actress, improviser and writer who has toured the country with Second City Theatricals. She currently performs with iO Harold Team Coach and is represented by Actors Talent Group. Follow her on twitter @DailyEmbarrass and find out more at amycyoung.com.

Hilarious Right? Follow the Second City For More