What if you could be someone else, just for one day?
We’re pleased to periodically present featured student work from The Second City Training Center’s Online Program. Writing student Shana Genre reads, writes, and occasionally parents in Portland, Maine. Her writing has also appeared in McSweeney’s, Mock Mom, Robot Butt, and even a few serious-sounding publications.
Q: Which was only recently allowed to be fed in public throughout the United States?
A: Toddler–when he is suckling his mother’s naturally-lactating-but-also-strangely-controversial breast.
Q: Which reads body language and respects personal space?
A: Neither: this is why there are leash laws, dog parks, and helicopter parents.
Q: Which prefers raw kangaroo meat?
A: Dog: see Ira Glass’s pooch, This American Life, Episode 480.
Q: Which generates fecal matter that is sometimes evaluated on the Bristol stool scale?
A: Both. There’s nothing like diaper pail diving or expressing an anal gland to make you feel like life is worth living.
Q: Which will survive the apocalypse by feasting on your bones?
A: Dog–and that’s what you get for that shitty carbon footprint, hominid.
Q: Which will survive the absence of Goldfish by feasting on errant crumbs?
A: Toddler. She will also scavenge for stale cracker crumbs, old pesticide-ridden Cheerios, and any notion that you can keep a clean house.
Q: Which is banned from many public beaches?
A: Dog–unless you dress her in a bikini and sunglasses. Nothing is cuter than anthropomorphism!
Q: Which must be slathered with sunscreen at the slightest sign of a UV ray?
A: Toddler. Want to go to the beach? You must also bring a stroller, snacks, assorted flotation devices, towels, bug spray, diapers and wipes, beach toys, and specialized armor that will protect you from the judgmental glances aimed your way when your little angel melts down because of terrifying, terrifying seaweed. What fun!
Q: Which accents your living room floor with stacking cups, Legos, and the remaining fragments of your dignity?
A: Toddler. Maybe Lego should offer step-by-step instructions for rebuilding dignity?
Q: Which accents the corners of your overpriced apartment with furry tumbleweed?
A: Dog. Why not start collecting it so that you can make a fur doll for yourself? You can stroke it under a desk during the next lockdown drill at work.
Q: Which considers roadkill a special treat?
A: Both. The dog, for feasting, and the toddler, for asking age-inappropriate questions about why we all die someday while staring into the hypnotic abyss of chipmunk intestines.
Q: Which doesn’t bite?
A: Neither, but one has big, sharp teeth while the other has tiny ones intended as cheap gifts for the Tooth Fairy.
Q: Which one looks a lot like you?
A: Both–note drooling at the sight of food, excessive panting, and prominent dog tooth.
Q: Which might not be vaccinated?
A: Both. Who needs herd immunity, anyway?
Q: Which is welcome on airplanes?
A: Neither–unless you have candy, earplugs, or hard drugs available on demand.
Q: Which creates inconvenient allergic reactions in your friend Maddy?
A: Dog–if you could call Maddy a “friend.”
Q: Which creates allergic reactions in every man you know?
A: Toddler. #stillsingle
Q: Which asks you to read books that give him nightmares?
A: Toddler. Apparently nothing is better than literature that makes children believe that sharks can talk, drive, and walk into bedrooms.
Q: Which believes that a statue can throw a frisbee?
A: Dog. This is why dogs are universally opposed to the removal of monuments.
Q: Which is descended from wolves?
A: Technically dog, but now that you’re a parent, you’re starting to think that your toddler might be, too.
Q: Which is keeping that pesky mailman in line?
A: Dog. Fido wants that motherfucker to know that he will die if he sets foot in this house.
Q: Which has a caregiver who will murder any FedEx employee who rings the doorbell during a nap?
A: Toddler. Aaron, you’ve been warned.
Q: Which can be leashed?
A: Dog, but also a toddler if you are a terrible, terrible human being content to be judged by all of humanity.
Q: Which can be left in a cage?
A: Both–but only if you’re Donald Trump.
Follow Shana Genre on Medium or Twittter @GenreShana. Want to have a shot at being published on secondcity.com, too? Learn more about The Second City Training Center’s Writing Satire for the Internet online classes here.