What Your Brunch Attire Says To The World

There are many ways to show up to your favorite brunch spot, but no matter the establishment, how you're dressed has everything to do with what you're trying to say about your character to the world. Let’s examine some common brunch attire according to the Bloody Mary scale:

Jeans. Yup, Jeans

You don’t want to embarrass your date, yet feel no real reason to impress anyone at another table. There are probably more than two buttons on your shirt/top, and you smell like the cologne/perfume you remembered to put on to cover up the hangover. Cheers, and enjoy your deserved Bloody!

Cargo Shorts + Polo

You feel you have a lot to prove to your date...which is unfortunate. You’ll order something bland, like egg whites with a turkey-based meat to show how you're "taking care of yourself" and can do, like, "a bunch of push-ups" at any time. Your server brought a single plate for your entire brunch order, which is sad, and your passively judgmental nature will need to remind your date they‘re "taking in a lot of sodium" for upwards of 40 minutes every weekend.

Try to enjoy your non-spicy Bloody.

Tank Top

#greek #tbt #frat #youre37yearsold #Bloody #hashtag

Romper & Wedges

You're so flirty and forward-yet-approachable! It's like you understand the constraints of a world that's, like, totally looking at you on the exterior and assessing who you are. But I have to say, you have just risen above all of this. No, let me finish... *insert Bestie hug* ... You have risen above all of this petty demonstrification of your character and remained true to yourself. Also, they're out of diver scallops, so you have to order a different protein for your Bloody.

All Black

I don’t know if it’s cool or uncool of you to come straight to brunch from your [religious congregation center] where you gathered with friends and family for [religious holiday/funeral]. I wish you had the dignity that [insert Your Savior] would have had and rented out a private room for your [virgin/excessively alcoholic] Bloodies.

Workout Gear

Remember the 3K you just ran? That was so hardcore. Celebrate by wiping your brow with a napkin and subsequently ordering 3000 calories to make up for that massive sweat you WERQ'd up. Remember that time you took a WERQ class with your Class Pass? That’s such a funny play on words joke. You are so tough. Pound your Bloody, then literally eat the glass in which it was served.

Bathing Suit

Is it under what you’re wearing? Enjoy your Bloody. Is it the only thing you’re wearing? I hope you’ve got a body that never causes people around you to wonder, “Is that a Bloody? Or their actual blood with pepper?”

Socks 'n Sandals

Dad? What are you doing at my brunch spot?

Sweats

Topics you probably bring up:

• Times you won arguments in high school
• Explicit and recent sexual encounters with androgynous partners
• Why your job isn’t actually a pyramid scheme

You don’t deserve a Bloody.

Hats of Any/All Kind

You have zero plans of bathing today. Cheers, and enjoy your Bloody.

The Second City's Improv Brunch scrambles together everyone’s favorites: comedy, brunch & bottomless mimosas. Get tickets now!

Tim Ottolin is a writer, performer and professional person.