Now that a federal judge in Mexico has ruled Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman is eligible for extradition to the United States, the kingpin may be Brooklyn-bound to face multiple charges ranging from drug smuggling to murder. Sorry, Chicago, Miami, California and Texas--looks like Brooklyn gets the first crack at him.
It's time to plan how to welcome the world’s most notorious billionaire-escape artist-fashionista. Here are a few ways Brooklynites can say bienvenido El Chapo!
Fiesta de Hipsters
Hosted by none other than Lena Dunham, let’s throw a welcome reception like no other, giving El Chapo a taste of what Brooklyn offers! Party attendees will include a group of Brooklyn’s hottest hipsters, adorned in lush beards, piercings, tattoos, and copious amounts of stackable rings. Craft absinthe cocktails for everyone!
Grande Wall de Trump
Following El Chapo’s arrival in the Empire State, why not escort El Chapo to Trump Tower to visit a model of the proposed Donald Trump Mexican border wall? El Chapo is not on the legal path to U.S. citizenship, therefore he will not be eligible to walk through the “big, beautiful door” in the wall sanctioned for the “good ones” coming into the U.S. legally. However, El Chapo *may* use the Trump-branded stepladder to scale the model wall.
Muy Caliente Chica
Due to his detainment, conjugal Netflix and chilling are strictly prohibited. What better way to wet notorious ladies man El Chapo’s whistle than to present him a copy of "Women of the Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center (MDC) 2016-2017" wall calendar? January features Officer Angela Pratt looking fetching in pleated navy utility slacks and a baton strategically placed across her chest. May features Officer Sheila Hays sporting only a Kevlar vest and government issued tactical boots. Twelve months of caliente!
Música de Brooklyn
El Chapo is known to be a lover of mariachi music. However, did you know he also enjoys old school rap? There couldn't be a more perfect welcome for El Chapo than the musical stylings of the remaining members of The Beastie Boys rapping “No Sleep Till Brooklyn,” even more apropos in light of his wife's allegations that he's being deprived of sleep by Mexican authorities.
Que Pasa Goop
While some feel El Chapo is a hardened criminal, you cannot doubt his star power. Let’s embrace and celebrate it as Mayor Bill de Blasio presents El Chapo with the key to Brooklyn--along with a gift basket containing hand picked toiletries & artisanal beard oils from Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop collection (retail value $948). You can never smell too pretty in shackles.
Como se Llama Spicoli
Following El Chapo’s arrival in the good ol’ U.S.A., it'll be time for a take-two with Sean Penn. For the interview, El Chapo will be fitted with a Barabas blue-and-grey-striped “Fantasy” jumpsuit. Hey, even (alleged) sociopaths want to feel attractive.
¡Bienvenido a Nueva York El Chapo!
Stacey Zapalac (@smzapalac) is a humor writer who has studied improv, writing and satire at The Second City Training Center in Chicago.