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The NRA: Now Celebrating 25 Days Massacre-Free

By The Second City | Jan 10, 2013

In the wake of the recent tragedy and amid new calls for stricter gun control, the NRA emerged last week with a statement calling for an increase in armed surveillance in every school. The “Good Guy with a Gun” campaign was met with criticism from both sides of the issue.

Amidst the controversy, the NRA has started kicking around some equally sympathetic slogans and campaigns to see if they can gain favor in the public eye: 

  1. Guns don’t kill people; people kill people. Guns just make it super easy for any lunatic who can pull a trigger to kill a whole bunch of people with minimal effort and/or skill.
  2. Go green! Extended capacity clips are environmentally friendly.
  3. There’s less risk of infection with an assault rifle than with a dirty China-style attack knife.
  4. Folks, if it were legal for 5-year-olds to own guns and bring them to school this all could have been avoided.

If these proposed PR campaigns don’t test well, the NRA is expected to fall back on the position it has maintained since its inception:

“Screw all y’alll. Shootin’ shit is cool.”


Ed Furman is a Second City alumni and a co-founder of the Annoyance Theater. He is a playwright and co-authored the hits Co-ed Prison Slutsand Rod Blagojevich: Superstar.

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