Good news, psychologically unbalanced comedy fans!
This summer, want to experience travel like it was meant to be experienced? Then jump in! Here are our best tips on how to travel like a rich person on under a million dollars a day.
Warning: It won’t be easy.
Buses are cheaper than trains, so take a private jet. ($400,000)
At the airport’s Rent-A-Car, leave it there in case you want it later. ($125)
Take a cab to the Nicest Hotel you can ﬁnd. That is where you’ll have Breakfast. Order Breakfast and A Room to Eat It In. ($1000)
Now that you’re fed, it’s time for your…
Two Pretty Woman-Style Shopping Sprees (That’s right, two.)
- The 1st in which you shop for Overpriced Clothes from snooty vendors: ($80,000)
- The 2nd where you shop for Overpriced Prostitutes from snooty pimps: ($20,000)
After you’ve ﬁnished with your Prostitute, put on a White Suit.
It’s time for lunch.
Order Red Wine. There are no bold moves when you’re a millionaire, but drinking red in white is as close as it gets. ($1000)
Now that you’re drunk, it’s time to SIGHTSEE!
Buy (separate) Tickets to every Museum in town. ($200)
Then, pay Someone Else to go to them for you. ($20)
Time to do a little research. Find two Really Nice Restaurants that are next door to each other. Choose the Most Expensive Item on one menu, then go to the Place Next Door and insist they serve you the dish on the other menu. ($1000)
Once you’re full, pour a bottle of Glenﬁddich 1937 on your plate (this is a great diet trick; you won’t be tempted to eat more.) ($38,000)
Buy the Meal, then buy the Restaurant. ($400,000)
Then shut it down. (Restaurants cost a lot to run.)
You can vacation like a real millionaire. Stay home on the couch eating McDonald’s and counting your money.
Andel Sudik has performed improv at iO, the Playground and the Annoyance and sketch comedy at Second City on a cruise ship, in theatricals, with the National Touring Company and on the e.t.c. stage. She is an alumni of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, currently teaches sketch and improv in Chicago and occasionally writes things while looking out her window at the lake. Follow her on twitter @AndelSudik or check out her website andelsudik.com.