How to Pack Heat on a College Budget

By The Second City | Sep 9, 2016

Thanks to a new Texas campus carry law that just went into effect, college students are now legally allowed to carry concealed firearms on school property. Many students, however, are afraid they won’t even be able to afford a gun on top of all their other expenses. By following these money-saving tips, you’ll be able to start your fall semester without having to make the difficult choice between your firearm and your textbooks.

Forget flashy scopes and silencers

Unless you’ve got a full-ride scholarship, you probably can’t afford to spend your hard-earned summer cash on fancy firearm bling. Instead, start with a basic handgun, get some crafting materials, and throw a gun-decorating party for your dorm!

Pitch in for ammo with roommates

You can save money on those .44 Magnum bullets if you buy them in bulk, plus you’ll be a hero to your friends if they run out during those stressful library shootouts.

Start a student-run gun co-op

Renting a community gun is cheaper than outright purchasing one, so flex those leadership muscles by petitioning for a gun-sharing co-op. Your initiative will inspire others to be the change they wish to see in the world…just like Gandhi.

Consider a trendy taser

Tasers are less expensive and come in a variety of colors to personalize your electrocution style. Don’t believe me?  Take a second right now and Google “taser colors.”

Did you see that one in leopard print? Wear that to a house party, and you’ve got yourself a 50,000-volt wingman.

Forget college and just do the gun part

With all the emphasis on arming students, it’s easy to forget that no education is actually required to own a deadly firearm. Imagine how much more you could buy with all that money you’d save on school. A grenade launcher? Flame thrower? Trump campaign donation?

…maybe all three.

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 David Calkins (@dav_calkins) is a comedian and humor writer living in Portland, OR. He currently spends most of his time at the Brody Theater, where he performs improv and seeks constant validation from others. 

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