More Male-Centric Reboots for Hollywood to Make

Sony recently announced a “male-driven” counterpart to the previously announced all-female reboot of Ghostbusters. Their brave decision to make an all-male reboot of an all-male original follows the public outcry about the all-female version--outcry claiming that such a reimagination of the film would “tarnish” the original or “ruin their childhood,” as if making a female-centric rendition of the 1984 classic would cause all copies of the original to suddenly burst into flames or mysteriously erase themselves.

Are we, the viewing public, to believe that a universe exists where women can make a living by trapping unearthly phantasms while spouting snarky, witty one-liners? I’m sorry, but my suspension of disbelief can only extend four FEET above the covers, and this is well beyond its reach. Luckily, Sony had the wherewithal to quiet the masses with a peace offering of the ever-welcomed male-centric action-comedy. In that vein, I would like to suggest a few films that originally featured predominantly female casts to be remade with all-male casts to atone for the egregious harm being caused by the Girl Ghostbusters movie.

Steel Magnolias

Because why should women be the only ones who should get to be pregnant and die from diabetic shock in a hair salon?

The First Wives Club

Not enough movies have touched on the pervasive cultural phenomenon of wealthy women who drop their loving, loyal husbands for younger, more attractive men.

Thelma & Louise

I, for one, would experience unspeakable joy at the sight of a car going over a cliff with Jonah Hill and who cares who else is in the car as long as Jonah Hill is in it.

Waiting to Exhale

The only criticism I had of the original film was that it neglected to include the male perspective. Specifically, the white male perspective. What’s Brad Pitt up to? Can we get him in Whitney Houston’s role?

Mean Girls

This movie focuses on the female high school dynamic and has a female screenwriter? Yikes, can someone please get a dick’s perspective on high school?

The Sandlot

Because all of those boys threw like girls anyway.

Pretty Woman

Why hasn’t anyone made a film about a male sex worker who’s looked down on by society for his lifestyle and then rescued by an unlucky-in-love but well-meaning and exorbitantly wealthy businesswoman? It’s a tale as old as time.

Bridesmaids

Just kidding. It’s called The Hangover, and there are three of them.

The movie-going public would be more than happy to shell out whatever a movie costs now to see men reenact their favorite movies about women, and all can be forgiven for the idea to allow women to bust ghosts. Jesus, what were they thinking?

Lindsey Finn is a Chicago freelance writer and performer. She can be seen regularly at the Annoyance Theatre. This is a pilot she helped make. And this is her tweeting:@LindseyMFinn.