Methods to Aid Teachers Remember Their First Names at the End of the School Year

For nine-plus long months, you have conformed to the structure and routine of educating the young people of America. You’ve given up your first name in order to give these kids order in their lives. In the eyes of your students, their parents, and your peers, you are Ms. or Mr. So-and-So. This is a great burden you have come to bear as a professional educator, and as summer hits, you're entitled  to get it back--though it might not be easy to recall.

Let’s try and remember your first name!

Write it on your hand

I know you caught Jimmy McDillon writing the answers to his final on his hand and you don’t want to be a hypocrite, but it works. Go ahead and write it down. It’s not a test; it’s life, and it’s time to get yours back for the summer, Jessica.

Wear a name tag

Another way to get your first name back is by picking up a summer job at a place like Target, where employees are offered name tags that perfectly fit a first name. Be careful, though. In the excitement of getting your first name back, you may lose your last name--and you don’t want to live sacrificing one name for another.

Have a non-teacher friend introduce you to other people

It’s not summer until you’ve had your first beach day at the lake. Molly, your best friend from college, is there with the kids she nannies. She introduces you as "Miss Jessica." The mention of a prefix almost triggers a flashback to the previous school year. You’ve got this. Make a funny joke like, “Miss Jessica is my mom’s name. Call me Jessica,” to avoid any further trauma.

Intentionally get carded at the bar

First of all, congratulations getting out there. As the bartender looks over your ID, feel relieved that someone can confirm you have a first name. He looks up at you, then back down at your picture. He hands it back to you and says, “Thanks, Jessica. Your Schlitz is coming right up.” There is it is.

Use a mnemonic device

Joining

Everyone this

Summer

So

I

Can feel

Alive

Go out with your ex

It might not be the best idea to go out with what’s-his-name again. But, there was that one time you dared him to tattoo your name on his arm. He agreed--only because he thought it was ironic. He’ll be talking about his new pop-up juice bar, or whatever he’s into now. You’ll look impressed, but really, you’re studying that permanent work of calligraphy displayed on his bicep. Take the next hour or so to study your first name while what’s-his-face explains why pressed juice costs so much money. Don’t forget to tell him to wear short sleeves.

Play the tape labeled “Watch Me on Last Day of School”

You’re a teacher. Of course you're prepared! At the end of last summer, you recorded a tape before you went back to the "Prefix-Last Name" structure that society expects. Now that it’s the last day of school, pull it out. The transcript reads:

Ms. Peters, it’s me, Ms. Peters. I am also you. I’m here to tell you that over the last several months, you have forgotten your true identity. You aren’t defined by your last name. You are a person, and your first name is Jessica--at least for three months.

Happy summer, girl!

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Ryan Walker is a comedian and musician from Youngstown, Ohio. He has studied sketch and satire writing at The Second City Training Center. More of his shorter sentences can be found at @mr_ryanwalker,while his longer sentences are at www.imryanwalker.com/blog.