Justin Trudeau: Hair to the Canadian Throne

Today, Justin Trudeau victoriously stepped out of the shadows cast by his father Pierre Trudeau and Rideau Cottage and was sworn in as the Right Honourable Prime Minister of Canada. After championing a well-run campaign, one thing has become abundantly clear:

This guy’s hair is ready.

As the days leading up to this monumental event wound down, more and more speculation mounted surrounding the many campaign promises that were made. Critics pondered which were attainable (i.e. removing Harper--check) and which would prove more of a challenge for his hair’s resolve (i.e. accepting 25,000 Syrian refugees by year’s end; helping end Thomas Mulclair’s unnatural “smizing” technique, etc.). The next few weeks are poised to define Trudeau as leader of this apologetic country-- but honestly, just take a moment and look at that thing. You don’t think that coif is going to take care of business? That thing doesn’t need any texturizing or extra preparation. That is a full, rich ‘do, prepared to address the needs and concerns of Canadians directly. And I’m proud to have voted for it.

The exact events of the next few days and weeks are sure to be a little nuts, and I’m taking some liberties since Parliament isn’t back for a while apparently, but as I see it, this is basically how it’s going to go down:

DAY 1: Trudeau and his cabinet get sworn in. The cabinet’s hair looks pale in comparison, but it walks the line well between inspiring Canadians and still being an approachable cut. The fulfillment of gender balance assertions in his caucus also helps balance this out, some longer well-kept powerful women’s hair there, really making the Liberals look well-groomed. Their first day is a breeze, and Justin’s careful not to over-style.

DAY 2-3: As outlined in Trudeau’s campaign, the Liberals start drafting legislation to lower taxes on the middle class and raise it on high-income Canadians. Justin puts his hair to work. It probably goes pretty well. I’m not sure, I was a little distracted by this kind of loose curl in the front thing he has going on, making it hard to focus. It’s not out of place, it’s just a little playful and flippant for the first week, really draws you in. ...is he looking at me through the camera lens?

DAY 4: Trudeau and his hair are put in contact with representatives fresh from the Tsuut’ina First Nations chiefs summit. They discuss how to move forward with a more formal federal inquiry into missing Aboriginal women. The representatives comment on how this dialogue is such an incredible improvement from that of Harper’s government. And how the natural flexibility of Justin’s hair is so vastly superior to Harper’s rigid style as a whole. Trudeau’s hair is humbled.  

DAY 6-29: Trudeau tries valiantly to talk Mulclair down from the smizing thing. Tom insists voters still love it in Quebec, but you can practically see the waves of hair-envy emanating from his unnaturally contorted face. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks.  

DAY 30: Trudeau’s hair is stressed. Opponents to Bill C51 and supporters of longform census registration are both concerned their needs aren’t being met fast enough, and neither is easily satisfied. By some cruel twist of fate, he's faced with complex problems that his leave-in conditioner and surf-hair pommade combo just can't solve. Justin's not sure, but he thinks he’s getting split ends over it. For the briefest of moments, his charm falters and he wishes he was bald. A nation weeps, and it doesn’t know why.

DAY 31: Trudeau begins to walk down to a barbershop, unsure of himself, but is stopped by celebrated astronaut Col. Chris Hadfield. He talks about space, and Canadians, and keeping the world in perspective. He thanks Justin for restoring Canada’s image on the world stage as a positive and moderate country and reminds him how important that is. They stare at each other smiling in silence, and Trudeau’s hair has a quiet moment with Hadfield’s mustache. It’s a pretty cool moment.

So yeah, something like that. He's a good haircut. It's ALL a good haircut.                 

Steve Hobbs is a Toronto-based actor/comedian/writer, trained in improv and sketch writing through Second City’s Conservatory and longform programs. He’s also a past senior editor/writer for The Beaverton satiric Canadian news magazine and is best known for his work at Toronto Fringe 2014 in sketch juggernaut “Everything is Fine,” as well as with ex-Impatient Theatre Co. headliners “El Fantoma.”