Choose-Your-Own Constitutional Amendments (For Special Citizens Only!)

By The Second City | Jun 9, 2016

If you grew up in the United States, your teachers were federally mandated to teach you about the Constitution. But what your teachers didn’t tell you is there is a hidden amendment in the Constitution, that “all men are created equal” loosely translates to “some of us are created equal and the rest of us can do whatever the fuck we want.”

Names like Brock Turner, Bill Cosby, Ethan Couch, Terry Richardson and Woody Allen – these names remind us that our justice system is flawed and that having a talent isn’t just good for getting into college – it’s also great for staying out of jail.

Since we’ve already established that anyone can take the Constitution, burn it down, scatter the pieces to the wind and use a Magic 8-Ball to reinterpret them, here are some suggestions for how we can amend the Constitution to be—if not more fair—at least a little more honest. 

  • Famous actors shall not be required to undergo any time in prison, because they frequently act like they haven’t raped or assaulted a person, and that’s practically the same thing. (Less famous actors will be judged on a case by case basis, taking into account key factors such as physical appearance, charisma and box office earning potential.)
  • Athletes shall heretofore be exempt from all domestic abuse charges, because sometimes you have to take your work home with you, you know?
  • Musicians shall not be prosecuted for murder, as long as they can provide proof that at some point during the murder, they crooned the lyrics to “Killing Me Softly.”
  • Politicians shall not be held accountable for any of their actions, including but not limited to: data theft, corruption, coercion, regular theft, bribery, hate speech, forgery, conspiracy, wire fraud, racketeering, money laundering, extortion, drug possession and/or public masturbation.
  • If you are white, you are innocent until proven guilty.
  • If you are white and proven guilty, it’s not so bad. You’ll be out of jail well before the next season of your favorite HBO show starts.
  • If you are not white, you are guilty until proven innocent (and even then, you still might be guilty, so why don’t you just hang tight while we take our time figuring it out, okay)?

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Ilana Gordon is a Chicago improviser, actress and writer. You can find her published works on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Reductress, Mashable and bathroom stall doors across America. You can follow her on Twitter and catch her web series “Real Home Workouts” here.

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