Let’s take the anonymity out of the internet’s newest way to be mean.
The Food and Drug Administration announced they’ll be investigating the potential health risks involved with the use of added caffeine in food products.
Isn’t that nuts? I mean, isn’t that totally insane?
As a man who is constantly on the go, I need my caffeine fix at all times, and let’s be honest, I don’t always have the time to get it from coffee (that would take at least fifteen minutes of my already jam-packed day)! I just don’t know how I would get through my day without my caffeinated chewing gum (I keep at least six pieces in my mouth at all times), my caffeine-infused beef jerky (perfect for calorie-conscious caffeine bumpers), or my caffeine-laced Cracker Jacks (because why should I have to kill my buzz just to enjoy a childhood snack?).
So while the “mad scientists” playing “big brother” over at the “Food and Drug Administration” are trying to stop me and other Americans from getting the magic energy drug we’ve trained our bodies to crave for survival, I decided to ingest fifteen Wired Waffles (bravo, Shark Tank!) and let my imagination run free! Here are 5 foods that could strongly benefit from a good, healthy dose of the working person’s favorite legal alternative to speed: caffeine!
Sorry, carrots, but you are nothing without a hearty tub of ranch dressing. That is, unless it’s a carrot full of caffeine! Nobody will call you a vegetable-munching wimp when you’re running circles around them for the next 5 hours after consuming a single baby carrot packing 600 mg! They’ll just think there’s a good chance your heart could explode at any minute! And to quote the great philosopher Michael Bay, “explosions are sexy!”
Sushi is the perfect hipster food: it’s as inaccessible as a Scott Walker album and incredibly lazy (you don’t even have to cook the fish)! But I could certainly see chop stickin’ my way through an “electric” eel roll or a “super-charged” California roll! Namaste! Is that a thing people who eat sushi say? I am not entirely sure! I am starting to see spots before my eyes!
3. The McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Let’s be honest: every time you walk into a McDonald’s, you are openly acquiescing to putting pure, uncut garbage into your body. Why not sweeten the deal by adding caffeine to every item on junk food’s pièce de résistance: Mickey D’s Dollar Menu! Finally, you can get your caffeine fix not just from your Super-Sized Coca-Cola, but from your french fries, McChicken sandwich, or bucket full of chum! Did I just say bucket full of chum? I think I may have just forgotten a large chunk of my vocabulary! That’s okay! Words are for losers anyway!
4. Baby Food
The FDA says a big part of their “investigation” into caffeinated foods is to look into the possible effects on children and adolescents. Well, here’s an idea ya BRAINIACS, why don’t we just start giving our children caffeine when they’re babies, so that their bodies can get used to it at a young age? They’re just gonna grow up and join the soul-crushing workforce that produces modern day drug addicts like me, right? Well, there we go– problem solved! It’s high time we gave the Gerber Baby a makeover! And by that, I mean drawing lightning bolts all over his face and tattooing a bottle of 5-Hour Energy on his forehead! Hey, that’s a great idea, 5-Hour Energy baby bottles! Is anyone writing this down? Is there anyone else even in this room with me?! OH MY GOD I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM.
QUESTION: WHAT’S THE ONE PROBLEM WITH COFFEE? IF YOU SAID, “NOT ENOUGH CAFFEINE,” COME OVER HERE, BECAUSE I WANT TO KISS YOU, MAKE LOVE TO YOU, MARRY YOU, AND GIVE YOU AS MANY CHILDREN AS YOUR HEART DESIRES. I’M SERIOUS. I’LL DO IT RIGHT NOW. ACTUALLY, PLEASE COME QUICKLY. AND BRING A DOCTOR. YOU KNOW WHAT, I’M GONNA GO AHEAD AND JUST SAY PLEASE SOMEONE CALL ME A DOCTOR. ALSO IS THE MATRIX REAL? BECAUSE I THINK I CAN SEE IT RIGHT NOW.
Daniel Strauss is an alum of the Second City touring company and performs at various theaters in the Chicago area. He also makes fun videos about video games that can be found at gamebroswebseries.com. Daniel is on Twitter @danielstrauss.