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Job Advice for the Dozens of CPS Principals Who Quit This Year

By The Second City, Sean Sullivan | Jul 11, 2016

Not only does Chicago Public Schools continue to wreak havoc on the well-being of kids, but it’s hitting another group of casualties as well. A record 42 CPS principals resigned this year—in addition to the 23 who retired. (CPS officials could not be reached for comment, because schoolz out, duh.)

What’s next for these former princi-PALs? Here are a few job opportunities for them to look into.

Beloved security guard

Everyone loves a security guard! So take a step back. The preferred position of double-dipping public employees, security guards get your basketball off the roof, move at a nice slow pace during the day and are on a first-name basis with everyone who has ever entered the building. You even get to wave a walkie-talkie and utter a catchphrase when anyone starts to show an ID—“You’re good.” Drawbacks include a majority of the public assuming your presence would be a deterrent for any major violent incident.

Undercover 16-year-old

This would be a big help on the off chance that our police departments need to infiltrate the city’s schools, as depicted in the powerful documentaries “21 Jump Street” and “22 Jump Street.” Who would know the ins and outs better than the administrators who were driven away because of them? Fake Molly; real drama. Hire ’em quick, before the slang changes and they start dabbing the wrong way.

Interior decorator

Everyone’s terrified of visiting the principal’s office. We can only conclude that it must be a hell of an impressive room. Most people’s apartments could use a big wooden chair, a Rolodex with personal information and a ton of animal-inspired motivational posters, anyway. You make your own hours too—big plus.

Graphic designer for strike sign makers

Former principals will likely have a strong early customer base among the very teachers they once led. Anything on the pipeline here works—designer, poster board magnate, whittler of the stick that holds it up, duct-tape strategist. They’re all getting work in about five weeks. Bonus points and a writing credit if your slogan rhymes.

Assistant principal

Just kidding. This is probably the one job guaranteed to not be taken. Has there ever been, in any work of fiction, a heroic assistant principal? Please don’t say if so, because you are wrong. Now move down the hallway.


By far, the best option. A principal running a government like a school has got something for everyone. The government will be a place for learning and growth. If you step out of line in government, you will be sent to the back. The government will be judged on issues that are much more the responsibility of parents and environment. And succeed or fail, the government will shut down at 3 p.m. each day.

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Sean Sullivan is a writer for “The Koch Brothers Mystery Show” podcast, now in its second season.

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