Nearly 250 potential jurors have been dismissed from Martin Shkreli’s trial, but what about character witnesses?
Much to the surprise of many a Miss Universe contestant, Donald Trump is all about protection. He has plans to protect us from Radical Muslims, Mexicans, the Mainstream Media, Regular Muslims, cold winters, secular education, and muslin cloth (due to a typo). There are some things, however, we have to do ourselves.
In light of the recently-unveiled American Health Care Act, it may be time to use your own bootstraps as a tourniquet. Here are six things you can do to survive Trumpcare.
Eat super foods to help you afford coverage
People over 65 can be charged more under Trumpcare than the ACA, but if you eat the right fruits and vegetables, you might not be punished for aging.
For example, oranges provide hydration and collagen-producing Vitamin C to keep your skin looking young and supple. A diet rich in super foods may help you appear less costly when applying for insurance. This will involve lying about irrefutable numbers, but that’s how Trumpcare got created in the first place.
Stop producing asexually
Planned Parenthood will lose federal funding if Trumpcare passes, because why should all Americans pay for issues that only affect half the population? Rep. John Shimkus took it a step further and suggested men shouldn’t pick up the tab for female hobbies. Like pregnancy and childbirth.
Ladies, it’s time to stop having babies by yourself. Try to find some way to get men involved in procreation so they will take responsibility. If you stop reproducing like sponges, you won’t have to clean up the mess by yourself.
Spend 30% of your time relaxing
Our president believes in leading by example. Stress is often the cause of costly medical procedures, which is why Trump has spent almost a third of his time in office playing golf at his own decadent resort.
Sure, he criticized Obama vacationing, but Trump is a 70-year-old man who yells at the TV while choking down KFC drumsticks whole. Firm pats on the back from rich club members are the only thing keeping him alive.
Engage in exercise-like activity
Every human body is different, so there’s no such thing as universally-healthy exercise. Running might be bad for your knees; Zumba makes most people look stupid. The trick is to do what the GOP did with Obamacare: if it’s not perfect, change it to make it worse.
If you think sit-ups are bad for your back, just lie on a harder surface and call them American Get-Ups! Heart condition prevents you from strenuous workouts? Turn up the heat–so your valves realize they’re not entitled to blood flow and will stop being lazy.
Check out a few episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy”
Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Jason Chaffetz offered this helpful tip: If you can’t afford health insurance, skip out on buying $20,000 iPhones.
Since poor people aren’t allowed to have standard information technology anymore, it’s time to get to the library to read up on possible medical problems and research financial solutions. The good news is, you’ll only get breaking news stories from printed publications that don’t have comment sections.
Get a second, negative opinion
In the era of fake news, it’s important you don’t trust a singular source for information. You need to find what a variety of experts say…and then do the opposite. Trumpcare is opposed by Democrats, GOP members, the AARP, the American Medical Association and most people who don’t have Wolverine-like healing powers. It’s getting pushed through anyway.
If you want to be like Republican mavericks, you should seek out the opinions of multiple medical professionals. Then, do what you were going to do anyway. Don’t let bipartisan doctors take away your freedom to smoke cigarettes made of asbestos and saturated fat.
Ultimately, it’s most important to stay informed and not let the constant debate drive you crazy. After all, the American Health Care act doesn’t cover mental health treatment.
C.J. Tuor is a frequent contributor to The Second City Network. He is a founding member of “Hitch*Cocktails” at The Annoyance Theater and “Clued In: An Improvised Murder Mystery” at Judy’s Beat Lounge.