Would you like to operate the world’s biggest car company that owns zero cars?
It’s football season, America!
You spend Monday and Tuesday searching the fantasy football waiver wire and much of the rest of the week monitoring the betting lines for your weekend wagers.
Sunday, it’s all about the games. And Monday. And Thursday.
Plus, you better keep an eye on your favorite college games on Saturday.
But whatcha gonna do with those boring three hours a week you spend unconsumed by football? Here are some fun fall ways to avoid contact with the outside world, or–shudder–other people.
Gather signatures for future stadium funding
If you’re lucky enough to live in Minnesota or Atlanta, you will soon be gifted a new stadium by your owner that was subsidized by the public sector, which can’t afford luxuries such as “adequate public safety” or “decent pay for teachers.” If you’re not from those cities, why not get ready for the day your octogenarian billionaire owner will ask for that money by starting the rubber stamp process ASAP? Sign now to support his profit margins, despite no possible way that money ever comes to the team, the fans or the city.
Start a high school fantasy
We stalk news about our pro players and bet on college kids every Saturday, but Friday nights are such a missed opportunity. Did you know that in small towns across this great nation, there are high school football games being played every Friday night? A fresh chance to get drunk and yell at players, gamble–or start your own fantasy league. Get out to the practice field now for pre-pubescent injury reports. Or the latest gossip about whose relationship strife might be messing with their teenage heads post-Homecoming.
Protest at your local police station
Your team is scheduled to play a divisional rival this week, but your star running back may not. All because he’s suspended while the league awaits a police investigation into an offseason incident involving his girlfriend, his wife and a grainy video that may or may not show him assaulting both. What a workhorse we have in our backfield! To get our All-Pro cleared for game day, consider picketing the police station to clear him of charges and clear our way to victory. After all, after the last seven days in America, it’s pretty clear where we stand on the treatment of women. Especially if you’re running for president.
Fundraise for “supplemental training”
Our musclebound men don’t get that way just by lifting weights, you know. They need the best in…ummm…advanced training technology. We need to fund our warriors who want to stay ahead of the game. Maybe a bake sale to fund litigation against legislation to require safe concussion protocols, or a car wash to fund state-of-the-art doping laboratories? Human growth hormone doesn’t just get mailed to our recovering veteran players from nowhere!
Reach out to the youth
How about some quality time with the children? Time to mentor the next generation of diehards. Volunteer at your local grade school and teach lessons on:
- Advanced binge drinking during tailgates
- Basic parking lot brawl moves for showdowns with visiting rivals.
- How to hurl obscene insults at opposing players on social media (Kids these days are so tech-savvy!)
Let’s make this season special for all the right reasons, football fans.
Matt Schoch (@matt_schoch_) is a Michigan native and a sports & comedy writer in Chicago.