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Dear Mr. Trump,
My name is Pete Fish.
I was your Presidential Debate Water Boy last night. I apologize, as I did not get to introduce myself to you as I was rushed out of the building by armed Trump militia as soon as it was over. As you know, every time you put your glass on the podium, it was automatically lowered into a small compartment. I was actually underneath, slouched down with five pitchers of water, filling and re-filling at breakneck speed.
Sorry if I got in the way at any moment, as I know you stepped on me a few times in the beginning and dug your heels into me throughout that whole speech on police reform.
I just want to say it was an honor and a privilege to serve a man of your magnitude. I can’t thank you enough for the opportunity, as I know how stressful and difficult the screening process was to find a white water boy with stamina. I went through a rigorous screening process, including multiple in-person interviews in which I was required to provide detailed documentation, such as my birth certificate, Social Security card, a financial disclosure, and three generations’ worth of family photos.
As for the experience, I found the “tiny” compartment underneath the podium to be quite spacious. To be honest, it was the best seat in the house. Looking up at you through the cracks of the podium, I saw hope. Listening to you speak with absolute confidence and gravitas, I heard your message and pictured a Rosie O’Donnell-less America with vast landscapes of money mountains and brightly-lit casinos. A perfect world.
Watching last night was a master class in strategic argumentation–and more importantly–how healthy you are versus Secretary Clinton. Her lack of water consumption for 90 straight minutes proved the point that she is unfit, un-hydrated and does not care about her health. A worthy president drinks eight glasses of water a day, minimum.
Once again, thank you for the experience. Also, I hate to do this, but unfortunately I have not received my paycheck yet. I’ve called a few times now, but no rush, as I know you’re quite busy at the moment. Actually, the phone number provided to me has been disconnected.
So whenever you have a chance. Or get thirsty again.