If you’re making everyone happy in comedy, you’re not doing comedy right.
Multiple rumors are swirling around about the president-elect: He’s unprepared for the office. He’s in league with Russia. He plans to spend his Christmas being haunted by three ghosts trying to get him to change his ways. The most outrageous claim of all is that Donald Trump is looking for ways to use his position to make a quick buck, and that’s a news story so clearly false that your aunt has already shared it five times on Facebook.
Now that the minority of Americans have selected Donald Trump as our leader, he has more important things to worry about than all of his beautiful hotels, top-of-the-line products and brilliant investments—like getting to his secret plans to defeat terrorism and bringing jobs back. He can’t share these ideas online because he wants to take ISIS and out-of-work coal miners by surprise. Instead, his official government bio brags about his many profitable ventures, many of which are still available to hardworking one-percenters looking for ways to spend their numerous upcoming tax cuts.
It doesn’t take a graduate of a leading educational institution like Trump University to understand that Trump just mentioning his multiple corporate successes isn’t advertising. He doesn’t need to advertise the products and services he offers…these babies sell themselves! (Also, students of Trump University know the difference between lawsuit settlements that are admissions of guilt and smart choices for men who have to get back to yelling at “Hamilton” on Twitter.)
Cameras are going to follow Trump and his family wherever they go. Is he just supposed to stop wearing sharp suits form the Donald J. Trump Collection? These fantastic pieces offer quality Mexican manufacturing standards, so get them now—before Trump realizes he’s building a wall to cut off his own supply line.
Another example: Ivanka Trump appeared on “60 Minutes” wearing a fetching bracelet from the Ivanka Trump Fine Jewelry collection—a stunning piece, perfect for an evening on the town ducking Secret Service. The next day, her company used the interview to promote the bracelet at the remarkably low, low price of the incoming First Family’s integrity.
If you’re a cry-baby who’s shouting, “Conflict of interest!” or “Help, Trump supporters are threatening me with violence!” you’re just overreacting. While most presidents place their assets in a blind trust, Trump has done the next best thing: All of his businesses will be run by his family. And yes, Trump did invite his daughter Ivanka to a meeting with Japanese leaders, but this doesn’t mean that they should be willing to cut her real estate deals in exchange for convincing the U.S. that global warming isn’t a Chinese trick. (Don’t worry about ecological problems, though. In the future, we can all drink clean, fresh Trump Natural Spring Water or wine made by his son, Eric.)
It’s possible Trump’s decisions will make his family richer. It’s possible his investment in certain pipelines are bad news for protesters being attacked with water hoses. It’s possible we will never know, because he won’t show us his tax returns. But it’s safe to assume that Trump is not selling the Oval Office—he’s practically giving it away.
So what basic rights does he have to destroy to get you into a Trump Hotel suite today?
C.J. Tuor is currently at sea performing with Second City Theatricals.