Simply put, there would be no Second City without David Shepherd.
This week, we Democrats admittedly took a few pretty big lumps.
The GOP-controlled Senate Intel Committee is releasing a phony memo to discredit Mueller, Trump is going to be bequeathed with mountains of good press after a somewhat legible speech at tonight’s State of The Union, and the compromise the White House tricked us into reopening the government for turned out to be a white nationalist wet dream.
Some of you have been going online to call us things like “spineless,” “easily duped,” “Charlie Brown falling for the football thing for the thousandth time.” Yeah, we have Twitter, and we saw all of it, and we understand your frustration. However, let us respond to you with this:
Would a group of “Charlie Browns” be currently devising a bill that will ensure Trump’s wall will be named after famous Mexican artist Frida Kahlo?
Imagine the look on Trump’s face when he open up the bi-partisan bill that gives him $100 billion dollars in funding for a 2000-mile-long wall along the Mexican border and finds out that it will be named after a prominent Mexican bisexual painter! We can almost guarantee he’ll go on one hell of a “tweetstorm” after he sees that! Could a bunch of Democrats that are “clueless to the demands of their base” be able to pull off a stunt like that?
Don’t worry, though, because the fun he’ll find in the bill doesn’t stop there. You see, during the planning and building of the wall, we will demand that it be designed by a Muslim architect, and built by a Black-owned construction group.
When Trump hires sentries to stand on the top of the wall, armed with rifles in order to shoot people attempting to cross the border, they’re going to be wearing uniforms designed by a Syrian refugee designer. Is that good enough for us to make the blue wave happen in November, or are we still “unable to find our asses with both hands, which is especially impressive considering it’s a room full of elected officials and ‘grabbing ass’ seems to be all they’re able to do these days”?
Well, if none of that was good enough for you, how about this little ditty we cooked up: when we all go to the grand unveiling of the wall, each Democrat member of Congress is going to bring as their personal guest…a late night talk show host! Trump’s going to look out at the crowd after cutting the ribbon on the new Frida Kahlo Wall Of Transgender Acceptance and be like, “oh no–these guys are here?”
So there ya have it, folks. Our perfect take-down of Trump. Bet you didn’t expect *that* from a group of people who are “catfished by Republicans so effortlessly that once the entire Democrat Caucus showed up to the Lincoln Memorial holding a single yellow rose,” did you?
However, in order to get that uniform design thing done, we *may* have to agree to calling it the “Ivanka Trump Wall Of Stay The Hell Out,” because you gotta be flexible with these things.
Wen Powers (@WenzlerPowers) is a Chicago based comedy writer.