Why Did the Chicago Tribune Endorse Gary Johnson for President?

By The Second City | Oct 1, 2016

As the polls tighten between Trump and Clinton, the Chicago Tribune has decided to highlight the biggest distraction in an election that has been full of them.

Libertarian Gary Johnson is the paper’s choice for president. Why? Well, in their endorsement, the Tribune's Editorial Board said it couldn’t support Clinton’s plans for federal spendings or Trump’s plans to enclose the USA in a red, white and blue bubble of ignorance.

The Tribune’s first-rate researchers, however, could not find anything wrong with Mr. Johnson, and they’re excited for his goals for our city.

Keeping Chicago in the news

The City of Chicago should be proud that’s it’s been a major talking point in this election. Our rapidly increasing gun deaths have made us the prettiest girl at the prom (although Trump thinks we could stand to lose some weight).

Gary Johnson is against federal restrictions on guns sales and big government monitoring local police. This will ensure that the safety of Chicago citizens will remain in national news and the Tribune will have many, many terrifying and eye-catching headlines for years to come.

Demonstrating the need for Chicago teachers

Gary Johnson, who wants to head our military, did not know what Aleppo was. He also couldn’t name a single inspirational world leader and had to have an aide explain to him why a building was named after some lady called Harriet Tubman.

As Chicago educators fight on a daily basis to justify their importance, Gary Johnson provides them with a perfect talking point: a presidential candidate who confused 18 injuries in a recent bombing for 0 injuries. Surely, this is proof that we need to give teachers more funding (although Gary Johnson wants to abolish the department of education).

Gary Johnson loves warm strolls along Lake Michigan

We just got through 15 record-breaking months of high temperatures. While Donald Trump believes these numbers come from the conniving Chinese, Gary Johnson acknowledges Global Warming is happening...and we should ignore it.

As far as he’s concerned, it’s not our place to stop companies from raising temperatures if the sun is just going to explode in a billion years anyway. Chicago citizens who support Johnson seem to prefer massive droughts to wearing heavy coats and would like to skip the Snowpocalypse in favor of an actual Apocalypse.

A ‘Gary’ is more likely to be elected than a ‘Hillary’

Anybody who has to walk by the Chicago river hates Trump solely for what he’s done to our skyline, and the Tribune is desperate to support someone who can stop him.  We’ve had unqualified candidates come from behind, but we’ve never had a lady president…so the Trib is just playing the established odds.

Not to mention, Hillary admits she was wrong to delete her emails and vote for the Iraq War. When has America ever supported a leader willing to own up to their mistakes? A man who is unapologetically wrong is just so much more familiar.

The only good politician is ineffectual one

Chicago does not trust politicians. This is probably because our prisons have special sections for housing Illinois governors. Trump has a shell game of a business and won’t admit to tweets he wrote. Meanwhile….well, there must be something wrong with the Clinton Foundation, or why else would Fox News constantly talk about it?

Gary Johnson does not look like he’s up to something because he constantly looks like he’s on something. If you make the wrong decision, this election a lot of people--especially women, minorities and low income families--could be hurt. Being irrelevant is a surefire way to be harmless, and nobody understands irrelevance in the modern world like a Gary Johnson and a print newspaper.

So feel free to wrap your vote in the Chicago Tribune. And then throw it away.

C.J. Tuor is currently at sea performing with Second City Theatricals. 

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