We can’t wait ’til March 15th.
It’s holiday time again! That means lots of holiday parties and festivities–but extra celebrations don’t have to mean extra pounds and hangovers. Here are some helpful tips to help you “get it on” at parties…without letting yourself go.
1. Know You Limits
…Then push past them. Whether your indulgence is alcohol or sweets (or both!), keep consuming until your body can’t take it and vomits. Puking up food and booze is the same as never putting those things in your body in the first place. Throwing up is the closest we can get to time travel. It’s like going back in time and not putting all that crap in your body, so take advantage of this miracle!
2. Plan Ahead
If too many parties pose a threat to your healthy lifestyle, do things to make sure you don’t get invited back next year. This doesn’t have to be a big production–like starting a fire–just loudly accuse one of the hosts of trying to get you in the bedroom. If it’s a kids’ party, ask attendees why their children are so ugly. Is the work party the one that tempts you most? Then just start embezzling and don’t try too hard to cover your tracks. This technique might not be much help for this fiscal year, but it’s never too early to start a long-term fitness plan.
3. Choose Healthy Snacks Like Nuts & Vegetables
And shove them up your ass, quite literally. This should be a long and painful process. If there is any pleasure involved, you’re doing it wrong. Choose the pointiest nuts (almonds and walnuts are good) and the biggest veggies you can find. You won’t want to put anything else in your body with your anal cavity packed to the point of physical danger. Mindless party small talk won’t even be noticed when all your thoughts are consumed with ending the torture you are enduring.
Note: This technique can also help you not get invited back to parties next year (see #2 above) if you’re vocal about it. “No, I don’t want a goddamn snowman cupcake, Felicia; I have a whole stalk of celery shoved up my ass! Not a single rib, the whole damn stalk!”
4. A Little Cocaine Never Hurt Anyone
Hitting the ol’ booger sugar before a party will quell your appetite. Rub a generous amount on your gums and mouth, and you won’t be able to taste anything at all. And with your mouth numb from blow, anything you try to drink will roll comically down your chin. It really helps with the small talk, too–you’ll be a regular chatterbox! But we all know too much cocaine is a bad thing, so how do you tell if you’re doing too much? Look down at your arms. Do you see bugs crawling on them? That’s either delusional parasitosis or you have let your life go down the gutter so much that you have bugs crawling on your arms. Time to slow down!
5. Question Your Faith
People don’t always talk about it, but holiday parties are rooted in antiquated religious beliefs. Take some time to analyze these beliefs, and the idea of going to a party to celebrate them will become less appealing. “So, God sent himself down to be born to sacrifice himself to himself so he could forgive us because a talking snake made a lady eat an apple?” Or, “This eight-day holiday is about lamp oil? Seriously? Lamp oil?” You may lose the comfort and false sense of security that a life of faith brings, but your waistline will thank you!
Ed Furman is an alumnus of The Second City.
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