Time for Illinois residents to start checking the pockets of their old jeans…
If you’d like to operate the world’s biggest car company that owns zero cars, can convince people to ignore everything their parents ever taught them and get into a stranger’s vehicle, have a keen understanding of which automobile really does have the best fuel economy (Spoiler: It’s the Prius V Three, and it is ug-ly) and hate Lyft with a fiery passion so intense that you occasionally think about it during sex, you might be just who we’re looking for!
We’re seeking a brand new CEO for Uber, because the old one is “taking an indefinite leave of absence.”
- Ability to speak Millennial, bro.
- Ability to be a man.
- Ability to be as white as possible (think eggshell or lighter).
- Ability to rock one of three haircuts: a slicked back side cut, a taper cut, or a slicked back side cut.
- An Ivy League education, but with some kind of sweet back story about how you worked at an ice cream shop through college and/or had a coal miner Peepaw.
- Ability to have a casual cocaine habit that doesn’t affect your productivity, but makes you really fun on company retreats.
- Ability to ignore drivers’ concerns by blaming their life choices; having a loud enough voice to drown out their appeals is preferred, but we will also accept someone good at sticking their fingers in their ears and chanting, “I’m not listening” over and over again.
- Ability to make the investors like you (like, like you, like you) so they don’t demand you step down.
- Ability to create an office environment so dysfunctional, it’s reminiscent of a “Degrassi” episode.
- Familiarity with Microsoft Office.
- Operate a tool called Greyball that systematically deceives law enforcement in cities where Uber does not conform to local laws by identifying people believed to be working for city agencies and carrying out sting operations. Suck it, Jack Bauer.
- Say “tee hee” after every time you say/hear “Greyball.”
- Convince a Waymo employee to steal information about self-driving cars and come over to Uber and then fire that employee when the story leaks under the take-backsies clause.
- Dismiss sexual harassment complaints of female employees because it was her male coworker’s first offense. (In the business world, everyone deserves a mulligan or three).
- Allow executives to acquire and share the medical files of a sexual assault victim and to share those files with the rest of the executive staff.
- Support Trump, but in a real casual way.
Qualified bros should submit their resume and dick pics now to: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Alexandra Shields received her B.A. in theater with a concentration in playwriting and theater for young audiences. Upon graduation, her play, Dog Eat Dog was selected for the Graduate Playwriting Showcase. Post Northwestern, Alexandra graduated from the Second City Writing Program. Her sketches have since been featured in The Mary Scruggs Festival and Secrets and Lies. Her plays have been featured at 13th Street Repertory Company, American Theater Company’s Bridge Program. Alexandra has also had articles published by Cracked.com.