Congratulations to all the 2019 Golden Globe nominees.
We’re pleased to periodically present featured student work from The Second City Training Center’s Online Program. Dina Rodrigues is a Detroit-based comedy and satire writer.
“Did both of you want to adopt?”
“No, it was payback for him buying a motorcycle without telling me. But she’s really grown on him.”
“Why couldn’t you have children of your own?”
“We were lazy. I didn’t like the idea of having to lose all that baby weight, and my husband didn’t want to run out for mocha chip ice cream at all hours of the night. But it turns out, our daughter is ours, so it’s all good.”
“I could never raise someone else’s child.”
“I can understand why. You look like you wouldn’t be able to raise your own kids if you have any. And that wasn’t a question.”
“It must have been really expensive! How much did it cost?”
“I don’t remember. Why don’t we exchange e-mails so I can send you a .zip file with all my bank statements and adoption costs spreadsheet? But only if you give me your social security number first.”
“Did you buy your baby?”
“Hold on–you can buy a baby? I didn’t even know baby-selling was legal again! It would have been great if I could’ve gotten a Groupon for my kid. I’m a sucker for bargains! Do you think it’s BOGO if you ask for twins?”
“Does your child know how lucky she is that you rescued her?”
“Yes, we are pretty amazing. We dodged through quicksand and hurricanes to save her from those evil orphanage caregivers who kept her safe and healthy. Do you have any kids at home we could rescue from their nightmare of nurturing? We’ll even bring our own fire escape ladder.”
“I can’t believe China just gives their babies away!”
“We were pretty lucky. We just happened to be in China when they were giving away free babies to American tourists as a gesture of goodwill towards our country. They ran out of pandas. I don’t know how to housebreak pandas anyway. Do you? Also, again…that wasn’t a question.”
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