A Friendly Reminder To The Rockettes: You Must Participate In Tonight’s White Elephant Gift Exchange

By Christian Tucci, The Second City | Dec 23, 2016

Valued and Honored Rockettes,
Tonight, we will celebrate the holiday season and the clutch landing of the Trump inauguration gig with a lively office gift exchange!
This is a friendly reminder that you *must* participate in the white elephant gift exchange tonight if you are a full-time performer with the Radio City Rockettes. There are sure to be wonderful holiday goodies! (The rumor mill says that somebody will be going home with a Magic 8 Ball!). Should you fail to attend the gift exchange, you can expect your employment to be immediately terminated. Get excited, ladies!!!
The basic premise of the game, Rockettes, is that you can either choose to open a wrapped gift, or steal one from somebody else. Sounds fun, right? If you are the first to go, you get to make a steal at the end of the game. If you are the second to go, you can steal from the first to go after their second turn. If you are the last to go, you are the second to go. And if you do not participate, your health insurance will be the first thing to go. Who’s feeling jolly??!
After all the thrilling steals, swaps, physical challenges, long division and mulligans, the game usually takes about 3.5 and hours to play. Note that leaving early will cause you to lose your financial stability. Ho, ho, ho!
Rockettes, it’s such a great honor to be asked to participate in my white elephant gift exchange. I expect to see all of you there like your dependents depend on it. Also, I’m bringing tiny candy canes!
Part-time Rockettes may join if they like, but I’ll give them a “Get Out of Jail Free”card since they don’t bother me about retirement plans all year. Noel, Noooooeeel!
After the gift exchange, we’ll enjoy Christmas karaoke with hard-to-book vocal icon Jackie Evancho. Be there or be fired, sugarplums!
You Are Contractually Obligated To Have A Merry Christmas,
James Dolan
Executive Chairman, Madison Square Garden Company

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Christian Tucci is a writer, artist, and performer living in New York City. Find more of his work at @chrtucci and www.christiantucci.net.

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