Um, We’re Not All Cancelling Flossing, Right?

Flossing. What's it good for? Absolutely nothing, if you listen to a recent study. After all the years of being nagged and harangued by dentists and mothers alike, it's finally been (possibly?) proven that flossing might not do a whole lot for our health.

So what *is* it actually good for? Fear not. There are still plenty of good reasons to floss.

Boost your superiority complex

Everyone needs to feel better than someone else. That's why certain people constantly remind us they don't have or watch TV and only listen to NPR, even though they’re the first ones to bitch about Game of Thrones and Orange is the New Black spoilers, not to mention get all of your snarky Bachelorette references. Cause, you know. They don't ever watch TV.

But when everyone else is guiltily admitting they never floss or, more accurately, only floss the night before a dentist appointment, you can keep up all appearances by letting the world know that YOU floss EVERY DAY, even BEFORE bed. Why not? We all need to take it where we can get it.

Stall for time before hooking up

You're trying to live up to Dan Savage's ideal and be GGG, but you're just not sure how you're gonna pull off ":Strawberry Shortcake Hooker" with the guy you met on Tinder. That's okay. Take five. Play Pretty Woman in the bathroom and take some "me" time…flossing. Work out some good lines about smelling your... well, whatever. It's your role play. The best ideas often come in the bathroom. You'll think of something.

Save big bucks come Halloween

You’ve never actually been a big flosser, so every time you give yourself a real-deal session you inevitably end up with a mouth full of blood and saliva. It's like someone got all up in there with little knives and went a-slashing. No worries--you can use this to your advantage. Next time you need some cheap special effects for your horror web series or Halloween costume, you know what to do. Get out the floss and get to it. Cheap but realistic, you'll have a bloody mouth in no time.

Freshen up after your nightly zombie apocalypse

Still can't give up the sweet, sweet insta-sleep Ambien provides? We know it's hard to get off the butterfly juice. We also know that if you're rocking an Ambien slumber on the reg, you're most likely doing a lot of other things besides sleeping in your drug-induced blackouts. Flossing is the perfect answer for getting all of the random pieces of food out of your teeth that you ate during your zombie walkabout the night before. Oreos, cashews, Swedish Fish, we know. It's okay. But you gotta get that shit out before you brush in the morning. Trust us. Don't leave this to one of those lame pick things. Get the floss out. 

Scoring with your hot new dentist

Did your hundred-year-old family dentist finally retire? Replaced by a hot, new gal/guy on the scene? Acquired a newfound desire to get your teeth cleaned twice a year? Nothing says, "I care about myself and my teeth" more than being able to seductively look your dentist in the eye and say, "I floss every day. I know my way around a mouth..." Okay, don't say that. That's creepy. But at least you'll prove that you are disciplined and thoughtful and care enough about yourself to take care of the little things. And your dentist will care, too, because...

Who are we kidding?

That study is dumb AF. Keep flossing. Why wouldn't it be a good idea to clean between your teeth? You can see that it gets stuff out of there that a brush can't. The dentist GIVES you floss for free -- it's not like you have to pay for the stuff. How can this be a bad thing? It's hardly a bad gamble. Just do it.

Or at least say you do.

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Jocelyn Geboy (@smussyolay) is a writer and improviser who founded Three Left Productions and blogs for Chicago Now at An Unquiet Chicagoan.