Sliding Polls: Two Vastly Different First Days in Office

President Hillary Rodham Clinton’s First Day in Office

7:15 AM: Wake up ready to change the world…collapse due to frailty, sleep for 3 more hours

10:15 AM: Grab breakfast burrito from one of the taco trucks located on every corner

10:30 AM: Abolish FBI

11:45 AM: Sweep up remnants of glass ceiling

11:00 AM: Create cabinet of diverse individuals each with differing viewpoints and backgrounds who know how to keep their mouths shut

11:30 AM: Select a couple Supreme Court nominees, instantly throw names into garbage to save time

12:00 PM: Send Donald Trump a consolation gift basket of deplorables

12:30 PM: Lunch with Bill, promise to use the best parts of his presidency to help guide decisions

1:00 PM: Hire attractive male interns

1:15 PM: Send “Thank You” cards to numerous supporters, read the many “THANK GOD” cards sent from other world leaders

2:00 PM: Google “Is there such thing as a SUPER private server?”

2:10 PM: Fix all the problems with Obamacare such as the name, draft new ClintonClinic® legislation

3:00 PM: Eliminate college tuition fees and legalize marijuana--turning the whole of America into a party school

4:00 PM: Secure equal pay for both genders by forcing Marvel to finally make a Black Widow movie so Scarlett Johansson has a shot at Robert Downey Jr. money.

5:00 PM: Stop the uprising of Trump supporters by banning the use of capital letters on social media

6:15 PM: Ask Tim Kaine to pick up coffee so he has something to do

7:30 PM: Eat a healthy meal of vegetables from Michelle Obama’s White House garden to gain her strength and vitality

8:15 PM: Secretly kill a couple of enemies to stay in practice

9:00 PM: Give motivational speech to the drones getting ready to fight overseas  

9:30 PM: Get ready for an early bedtime, because not looking your best in the morning means not being taken seriously as a human being

10:00 PM: Say a quiet prayer of thanks that she’s beginning her job with a 35% approval rating, as opposed to most female managers who are usually much less popular  

Grand Czar Donald Trump’s First Day in Office

9:23 AM: Wake up late, blame crooked alarm clock

9:45 AM: Eat healthy Dr. Oz-prescribed fast food

10:20 AM: Fire all the current generals, divorce all current wives

11:00 AM: Begin peaceful round-up of all illegal aliens, use secret list that tells government exactly where they are and how to remove them in such a way that they will thank us for the free trip

11:30 AM: Throw Hillary in jail (Consider having trial at a later date)

12:00 PM: Stop by Burger King for lunch, replace current crown with the one they provide

12:30 PM: Make it legal to sue media for saying mean things or recording mean things that the president says

1:00 PM: Replace current inscription on Statue of Liberty that says “Give us your tired, your poor…etc” with the phrase, “Give us 50 people, tops”

1:30 PM: Begin draining the swamp in Washington by removing environmental standards on industries...thus destroying all swamps

2:00 PM:  Re-marry

2:20 PM: Create legislation to protect all religions that begin with the letter “C” and end in “-hristianity” while consulting favorite Bible passage, Crustaceans 11:34

2:45 PM: Put an end to all disastrous programs he insulted during the campaign: NAFTA, Obamacare, the United Nations, “Saturday Night Live” and the Republican party

3:30 PM: Plan to reinsert 9-month-old baby being ripped out of woman’s womb, learn that practice isn’t actually done…place hands in that position anyway, brag about it to Secretary of State Billy Bush

5:15 PM: Beat old buddy Putin in beer pong, sign autographs for Russian hackers

7:00 PM: Have romantic dinner with Sean Hannity at Wendy’s, rate the attractiveness of Wendy

10:00 PM: Begin drafting State of the Union tweet

11:59 AM: Go to bed unsatisfied, as this new accomplishment will never bring back the happiness felt riding childhood sled.

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C.J. Tuor is currently at sea performing with Second City Theatricals.