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Self-Care Routines Trump Should Treat Himself To Before Stuff Gets Too Rough

By The Second City | Jan 9, 2017

President-elect Trump, you’re just days away from taking office! You have plenty planned for the next four years, so it might be wise to set aside some time to think about self-care. Life as President can be pretty stressful, and it’s important to have a plan to stay happy and healthy. Here are a few tips to keep sane during your presidency.

Unplug from social media

Twitter can take a serious toll on your health, from the emotional pressure to call out every single loser and hater to the inevitable carpal tunnel in your thumbs. That’s why it can be a good idea to take a break from it all. Delete your Twitter account. Flush your phone down a gold-plated toilet. 

Indulge in a vacation

If getting away from the internet isn’t enough, maybe it’s time to take things a step further and enjoy a vacation far from the hustle and bustle of Washington politics. Treat yourself to some time in the uninhabited Appalachian wilderness, where you can be certain you’ll never be threatened by an opposing viewpoint, SNL sketch or awards show acceptance speech. Hey, if you yell your opinions about immigration loudly enough, the surrounding mountains can become both a literal and figurative echo chamber!

Get more exercise

It’s common knowledge that exercise is good for your mood, and you’re in luck! Those Appalachian mountains contain thousands of hiking trails. Probably even enough to keep you hiking for the next four years! In addition to being able to brag that you walked farther than any other president, no politician has ever been criticized for hiking. (But you’ll find a way to ruin it, won’t you?)

Eat healthy foods

Eating healthy foods can have a direct effect on both your physical and mental well-being, and there’s plenty to be found while you’re out on your four-year hike. Look for wild treats like dandelions, berries or questionable mushrooms. There are lots of books about how to identify toxic plants, but you probably know waaaaay more than the authors do, so just follow your gut on this one. 

Get plenty of sleep

This should be easy after a long day of hiking and eating dubious fungi. Eight hours of sleep is considered healthy, so sixteen is probably twice as healthy. Plus, your dreams are a world where absolutely anything is possible, so go crazy and dream up a world where you won the popular vote. We’re all looking forward to what the next four years hold for your unconscious presidency.

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Robby Appleton lives in Jackson, Tennessee, and tweets at @robbleton almost monthly.

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