Potential Epitaphs for the Above-Average Millennial (Which, Duh, Is Every Millennial)

By The Second City | Nov 1, 2016

It’s a dangerous world out there, which is why Plan Your Epitaph Day on November 2nd is arriving just in time–before Election Day, Black Friday and the theatrical release of “Trolls.” Let’s be real. We politically correct, peace-driven millennials will never survive, so let’s prepare for our collective demise by drafting some killer epitaphs. (Y’know, those tombstone inscriptions that reflect our life struggles.)

Here Lies Alyssa: Backpacked Through Europe, Parents Have to Pay Back Her Student Loans

Studies show that the decrease in job opportunities and increase in living expenses have forced millennials into a laziness coma. We’re so lazy that instead of deciding what to binge-watch on Mom and Dad’s Netflix account–on their couch–most of us decided to just travel the world. It’s easier than picking one place, right? So now you’re backpacking through Europe to find your personal and spiritual relation to other cultures while paying off those student loans, thanks to Mrs. DiCotis, the high school guidance counselor who highly recommended NYU.

Just remember, Alyssa, you didn’t completely fail–you got this kickass epitaph to show off to your new, cultured friends who taught you Russian and remind you that almond milk makes a great chaser for vodka. Don’t forget to leave your parents an endless supply of dairy-free White Russians in your will…so they have something strong to drink when FASFA keeps asking for their money.

Taylor (1992-2016): [They] have passed from death to life. John 5:24

Thanks to all those pricey liberal arts degrees, millennials are learning about intersectional feminism and consequently identifying as gender fluid. More and more, young adults are adopting the pronoun “they” to describe themselves, rather than “he” or “she.”

To help your long-suffering parents, compromise by inscribing a religious quote on your headstone that is basic enough to satisfy your dark, atheist soul. Eliminating third person pronouns may have made your parents’ lives harder, but this epitaph will make them feel as if all those years of Catholic school weren’t a total waste.

In Loving Memory of Latisha: Buy a #VeganWear Crystal Nose Ring and $10 Goes to the #Homeless

No, Latisha! You will not successfully sell your custom-made, non-GMO crystal jewelry via your Etsy shop. Your fate is to toil away from 9-5 (okay, 9-7:12) in a small cubicle for at least a decade, making twelve bucks an hour to update Mr. Johnson’s Twitter account for 45 minutes and then just taking Buzzfeed quizzes for the rest of the day.

Running your own business might teach you the value of hard work, but maintaining financial stability so you can pop out a few Generation Z kids is most important. Not convinced? Then here’s the epitaph for you! Not only does it promote brand awareness, but it also rebels against all Generation X ideologies! This epitaph kills two birds with one stone. (Technically, it’s three birds, because this is happening when you die…making you the third dead bird…this is awkward.)

[Just insert a selfie of yourself and caption it #RIPJennifer]

The only jobs millennials get upon graduation are sometimes-paid internships in social media departments. Congratulations! You may have skipped frat parties to get a 3.8 GPA and earn that biochem degree from a top program, but what really impresses Future Boss is your ability to get over 200 likes on an Instagram photo of #STEMLife. Since technology defines the existence of all millennials, use your tombstone to prove it! Tastefully engrave a selfie of yourself–and get yourself trending ASAP. Bonus points if you can arrange for an Instagram Influencer to regram it, so you don’t appear unloved and unimportant to the masses.

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Julia Barnett (@juliarosemeow) is a New York-based actor and writer who teaches at Actor’s Playground School of Theatre.

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