Hatchimal comes from the Greek “to capitulate.”
If you’re a remotely sane human living in the United States right now, you’re probably thinking, “I need a vacation!” Yes, you do. But put away those travel brochures and unpack your bags–you don’t need to venture outside your own backyard! Now that Donald Trump has appointed a climate change-denying, fossil fuel-breathing dragon to head up the EPA, we can all just wait for the extreme and alarming weather fluctuations of the world to converge on us.
Here are 5 fun and exotic staycations you’ll soon be able enjoy at home, courtesy of encroaching climate change.
Nothing ruins a vacation faster than rain, but that won’t be a problem for you once greenhouse gas emissions transform your local ecosystem into a parched replica of the Mojave Desert! Not only will there be zero precipitation during your staycation, but the ongoing evaporation of life-sustaining moisture will also wring all the humidity out of the air. Your hair will slay! If you can overlook the occasional wildfire, desiccated animal corpses and dehydration-related hallucinations (trust me, they become fun after a while), you are going to have an amazing time. Plus, everyone knows that famine = effortless weight loss. Girlfriend, you’d better take a selfie in front of that bleached weasel skeleton…your look is on point!
Your kids have been bugging you to take them to Sea World for years, but it’s such an expensive tourist trap, and besides, you feel a little bit morally conflicted about vacationing in a place that treats Orcas so cruelly. So instead of spending all that money, why not enjoy the Sea World that is pretty much guaranteed to rise up and overtake us all due to the surging sea levels? This staycation package can include surfing, waterskiing and family snorkeling for the fully immersed flotsam that used to be your backyard patio furniture. Planet-destroying thermal expansion never looked so fun!
There’s nothing quite like a balmy, sun-soaked getaway to lift your spirits and rejuvenate your health. Well, you can’t really “get away” from the Earth’s impending self-immolation, but otherwise, you’re in luck. As the sun relentlessly bombards the earth with UV radiation, it is expected to create an adorable “heat dome” over the atmosphere. Your own personal heat dome: it’s like nature’s tanning booth! Sure, it’s the dead of winter and the fact that it’s 80 degrees out could only mean that the planet is being eroded by deforestation and methane emissions (that’s “cow farts” to you), but hey, you are wearing SHORTS in January! Soon, you’ll be tanner than our yam-hued president!
Wait for a day when the increasingly warmer temperatures trap additional water vapor in your local atmosphere, bringing a torrential downpour. Wear khakis and a pith helmet while taking an educational hike through your town and observe endangered species, such as minorities, women and smart people. Maybe you can even take a palm oil making class, where you’ll learn to torch the whole hellscape. This is an action packed, safari-like adventure–minus the existence of any remaining species of animals.
Maybe you prefer skiing, snow-tubing and other cold-weather sports? Well, there’s a staycation for you, too! Thanks to the destabilization of the Polar Vortex and the decline in Arctic sea ice, your brutal winters will now last into April. Yay! This is hell, and it has officially frozen over.
Jennifer Byrne is a humor writer, satirist and essayist based in New Jersey. Her writing has appeared on Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and The Rumpus’ Funny Women column.