8 simple ways to prove you’re the godless heathen they’ve always known you to be.
Now is the time to be planning your New Year’s resolutions for 2017. You know, the agreements we make with ourselves (and/or our life coaches) to become “better people”? Here are a few suggestions to help you craft the most pretentious and self-righteous set of New Year’s resolutions ever, guaranteed to make you feel something...or at least get more likes.
Pick something shockingly easy. Examples include: “Touch my toes;” “Drink less Starbucks.”
Make sure to talk about your resolutions a lot. Anytime you can, inject sentences into conversations like, “New year, new me!” and “I’m really going to do it this year.”
Pick things that you should never even be doing in the first place. These can be resolutions such as, “Stop stealing from Best Buy” or “Pay my taxes this year.”
Have at least ten resolutions. This is so when you fail at eight or nine of them, you can still feel good about yourself. That’s what we’re going for here, right? A way for you to feel good about yourself? A simple way to pad this list is to add things that are dumb and don’t matter, like: “Take the stairs more;” “Have a more fun email sign-off.”
Use social media to acknowledge your sad dependence on social media and expound on your goal to reduce that dependence. Post on Facebook, “This year, I’m getting off Facebook–SEE YA FRIENDZ!!!” Also, screenshot your Instagram de-activation and then tweet the pic.
Take on giant issues that you are just learning about and, in reality, thousands of qualified people devote their lives to. This will ensure you trivialize said issue by positioning your youthful optimism rooted in classist privilege to project a good person/woke persona. For example: “I’m going to be more socially active;” “Why don’t people donate to NPR more?!”
Make a sudden, drastic life change. Google “new religions that aren’t too expensive,” or declare, “I’m going to move to the country and live in a tiny house.”
Pick a weird one that doesn’t have a defined benefit, such as: “Eat an orange every morning;” “Wear more felt accessories.”
Hold yourself to a higher standard by vowing to “Only watch movies that are above 80% on Rotten Tomatoes” or “Learn about the policies of the candidates I voted for.”
Lastly, find a way to be grateful, even if you don’t feel it everyday. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for. Write those things down. Read that list. Feel all the feels of thankfulness.
Then make sure everyone knows how grateful you feel.
#blessed #firstworldproblems #sorrynotsorry #newyearsresolutions #treatyourself #fml #FMblessedL
Follow Jake Grafstein on Twitter @jokelaughstein.