Breaking it down so even the “I’m Not Racist, I Have A Black Friend” white person can understand.
Seems like everyone you know had a rough 2016, so what better excuse to blow off some steam than the ultimate New Year’s Eve party? Throw the hottest farewell bash this 366-day shitstorm could possibly ask for with these simple ideas!
Anything Goes Attire
New Year’s Eve is normally the time to go all out with your slickest suits and sparkliest party dresses, but don’t be surprised if your guests give you some pushback this year. After all, they’re so beaten down by the events of 2016 that the very thought of donning stilettos makes their souls cry. That’s okay! “Anything goes” attire will just add to the fun. So bust out those flip-flops and hole-y sweats! Or onesies, if you can’t manage two pieces of clothing. Your only rule: avoid anything resembling real pants.
A Putin-Pleasing Playlist
It’s just not a party without the perfect soundtrack! An ordinary New Year’s fête might feature a playlist of the year’s biggest hits and your favorite party jams…but not yours. For an unexpected twist, hire a DJ to create an exclusive, custom mashup of the weeping of Clinton supporters with Russian classics such as Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky. Added bonus? You’ll be getting a head start on your New Year’s resolution of cultural assimilation with our future overlords!
You can’t go wrong with the classics, but don’t be afraid to mix it up with some bold, new choices as well. Compliment your traditional metallic streamers and party horns with a banner that reads: “Fuck Off, 2016.” Also essential this year: everyone’s childhood favorite, the piñata. Your friends will delight in taking out a year’s worth of pent-up frustration on a papier-mâché figure in the shape of… wait, what’s the shape of your hopes and dreams?
Food That Doesn’t Give AF
Yes, it’s the holidays, and we’ve all been dodging calorie bombs left and right. But resist the temptation to offset all those Christmas cookies with light hors d’oeuvres. Instead, let your guests eat whatever the hell they want–be it foie gras and fancy chocolate or double-stuffed hot dog-crusted pizza and donut burgers, we’ve earned the right not to give a rat’s ass about cholesterol right now. If we’re all still here by the end of January, the gym will be, too.
Nothing says New Year’s Eve like a fully stocked bar… and I do mean fully. Beer, wine, tequila, Everclear, anything your broken little heart desires. 2016 has been one long hangover, so what’s a few more days? Don’t forget a signature cocktail for your friends who have had an especially tough year. One crowd-pleasing option: antifreeze.
The Countdown Ritual
Every New Year’s party has its countdown to midnight. Your super fun and interactive alternative to the ball drop? Light a dumpster on fire at 11:00 p.m. as the physical embodiment of 2016. Ceremoniously walk it to the nearest river, and at the stroke of midnight, push it in. This symbolizes your hope that 2017 will extinguish the trauma of the past year and provide a fresh beginning. Unless your river of choice is so polluted that the flaming dumpster actually sets it ablaze– which, come to think of it, is a much more appropriate metaphor for the year ahead!
Bring it on, 2017!
Amanda Nowotny (@PrincessSnarkle) is a tutor, writer and lapsed improviser living in western Pennsylvania.