Congratulations to the 2018 nominees, many of whom cut their comedy teeth at The Second City.
In the wake of the 2015 World Cup victory, many of the players, fans and supporters are calling for us to stop referring to the team as the “U.S. Women’s Soccer team.” Some fans have adopted the mantra can’t we just call it ‘soccer’ from now on, instead of women’s soccer?
UH-OH! No! This can’t happen. And here’s why.
Women’s sports are boring
I watched the World Cup. A player getting a bloody nose and shaking it off as she hustles to steal the ball from the opposing team? Um, I’d rather watch paint dry. A man scoring a touchdown and then putting his hands up in the shape of a vagina and wagging his tongue?! Um! Grab me some popcorn, ’cause this is good! A hat trick in the first fifteen minutes? BORING! A pro athlete beating his significant other senseless and then getting suspended for one game= NAIL BITING.
Tobin Heath. Alex Morgan. Morgan Brian. These are gender neutral names. A ton of lady athletes have these types of names. It would be unfair to not warn boys that they are watching girls play soccer. It’s sort of like false advertisement. I mean, how would you feel if you walked into Magic Mike XXL and it was a movie that had women strippers?
Aunt Flo’s always on the team
Let’s face the facts, women have periods…er…I mean, that monthly thing that makes them SO unbearable and emotional monsters. Having the title “women’s” in front of their various sports gives us the heads up that they could bleed on the court/field that they are so brave for wearing white upon.
Nothing is more terrifying than a woman crying
What if at some point she hurts herself and starts crying? It’s so uncomfortable for men to watch that, because it’s not you; it’s him. Look, you are a really great girl, and I know I said I loved you, but my life is just all over the place right now. You are beautiful. I’ll continue to look at our time together as truly special. I’m going to back away slowly and leave you to cry here, because I have no idea what else to do and have no more clichéd lines in my arsenal. Oh man, that girl was crazy…dodged a bullet.
Women’s uniforms aren’t girly enough
How are men supposed to know the exact size of a player’s breasts? The cheerleaders at male football and basketball games get it! That is what a woman should look like when breaking a sweat. I know when I run or workout, my hair is fabulous, I barely sweat, and my boobs are at their perkiest.
While we’re on the subject of cheerleaders…
Isn’t that sport enough for women? Cheering on our brave men as they slam into each other, shouting obscenities and get paid more money than I will ever see in my life? Also, we don’t call them “women’s” cheerleaders, because that would be redundant. George W. Bush was a cheerleader, and she got to be president. So there’s a victory for all us women!
Becca Taubel (@BTaubs) has never been an athlete, but she thinks the athletes who won the World Cup are truly inspiring and make our country proud. USA USA.