There’s no better way to tap into the emotion of the Olympic Games than with a rousing contrived speech at…
Oh my God, Wrigley Field turned 100 years old and no one told me. Wait, where is my cell phone? Tiff, have you seen my cell phone?
You know, Wrigley used to be called Weegham Park, you know, then it was Cubs Park and now it’s, oh my God, I left it in the Uber. I fucking left my fucking cell phone in the fucking Uber and I’m going to fucking hang myself.
No, I will not stop crying, DANNY. This is America and Wrigley Field is the second-oldest ballpark in the Major League so no, DANNY, I will not stop crying, you dick rash.
MAKE YOURSELF USEFUL AND GET ME A TISSUE. MY EYELINER IS STINGING MY CONTACTS.
The Legend of Babe Ruth’s Called Shot
Beccs, did you know Baby Ruth called his mom before he hit a home run? Isn’t that sooooo sweet? It’s like, maybe that’s why he was called Baby Ruth. Or, like, why it’s a home run.
Wait, Rebecca? Rebecca? Open your eyes! Are you okay? SOMEONE CALL 911!
A Guy Who Sang with Jimmy Fallon on SNL Played Here
Babe, remember when we were fucking wasted and listened to Paul McCartney sing your senior yearbook quote outside the field? And then I stepped on one of our empties and it stayed on my shoe for like, 8 songs? Like a little Dutch clog? Oh my Gooood, I am so fucking in love with you.
There’s Blue Ivy
You’re not even listening to me, Brent! The ivy was planted in 1937, and I dressed as Poison Ivy in 2007. So stop pretending like you’re the only one with a legit connection just because your buddies wrote Brent “ham slammer” Eisley on a stupid brick.
Baby, I’m so sorry, come back! You know I can’t run in these heeeeeels!
Ernie Banks Did Stuff
Brit, I kneeeeee you hole hair so I canpuke. Pees. You’rea gud freend. Er-knee Banx, 500, sumtime ago. Furst recurd. Get vodka.
They Still Serve Old Style
You know, that’s the original scoreboard. Pretty incredible. Who wants another Straw-Ber-Rita?
Kristina Felske is a writer, actor and improviser currently living in Chicago. She is an editor and regular contributor to the daily humor site The Other Otter (theotherotter.com) and has a performance-y resume posted on kristinafelske.com. You can tweet her @kristinafelske.