Why a Woman Can’t Be President

I am a woman. In fact, that’s one of the first things I usually notice about me. As a woman, I think I know a thing or two about what a lady brain, lady body and lady heart are lady capable of. So naturally, Hillary Clinton’s announcement Sunday left me cry-eating two pints of Ben & Jerry’s and stress-plucking my body hairs – which I probably would have done anyway, but still.

I was shocked to see so many people enthusiastically supporting her bid to be the first person to preside over America while female. Because my XX chromosomes make me obsessed with organizing, labeling and doing busy work to distract myself from the overwhelming dissatisfaction that defines my very being, I made a cute little listicle to help you understand why being the president of America isn’t exactly women’s work.

WOMEN’S BONES ARE MADE OF GLASS

Have you ever noticed how no woman has ever opened her own jar of pasta sauce, bottle of lorazepam, or door to a building or car? That’s because lady bones are actually hollow glass tubes. When you’re president, 83% of your job is shaking hands with foreign male leaders, and a woman’s brittle glass bones simply can’t stand up to that.

Nothing says, “Please nuke all of America” like a girl-president’s lady fingers shattering in Hassan Rouhani’s hand.

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

Justin Timberlake is an American prince and entertainer whose stunning voice and titillating dance moves can induce menarche in infants and make elderly Catholic nuns wet. If a woman became president, Justin Timberlake would be hunted by every anti-American regime on the planet—so he could be used as a weapon against the free world.

Imagine if Kim Jong Un got his hands on JT. One late-night FaceTime session andboom. Launch codes; classified military operations; our presidette’s girl boobs plastered all over whatever North Korea has instead of computers.

WOMEN ONLY EAT SALAD AND CHOCOLATE

Lobbyists are a problem in Washington. Luckily, men have diverse interests that give all players an equal shot to get their corporate cause sponsored by the American government. With a lady in office, that fairness is out the window. Big Salad and Big Chocolate would control every taxpayer dollar. Pretty soon, it won’t just be women living off salads and chocolate. It’ll be every American. I’m talking boys, too. Your son’s Pop Warner football team isn’t going to fare too well when their only protein is coming from a skewer of three tiny blackened shrimp atop a Caesar. Ohmygod that sounds so good.

WOMEN LOVE TO SAY NO

Whether it’s to totally reasonable ideas for dinner dates or to propositions of sex by perfectly nice strangers on the street, female people can’t get enough of the N-word*. How are legislators gonna ‘slate when Madame Woman President is always getting her ‘toes done? Her VE-toes.

*Not that n-word. I don’t see color.

OVARIES

75% of the human body is water, but 75% of the huwoman body is ovaries. Ovaries suck energy from the fe-brain, making it impossible for women to truly get “The Issues.” I’m pretty sure “The Issues” is a thing that men talk about when they run for office. In a lady’s “brain,”  there’s only room for The Bachelor, mom stuff, and the movie Magic Mike.

Ovaries are also what make women bitches. There’s no “bitch” in diplomacy…that’s why men are so good at it. Ovaries might make a woman “ovaryact” to a national tragedy and enter into multiple seemingly endless wars that waste trillions of taxpayer dollar. Which brings me to…..

SPENDING

Taxpayer dollars are like your husband’s credit card. Women be shopping!

ALL THE PRESIDENTS HAVE BEEN BOYS, EVEN THE ONES WHO WORE WIGS

It’s not “equality” to demand that you can have everything someone else has. President has always been a boy’s job! Men aren’t trying to be moms or under-valued office managers or basketball player’s wives. The job of president is defined by man-qualities:

• Being a natural citizen
• Living at least thirty-five years
• Understanding law, history, global and domestic issues
• Having a sweet wang and at least one testicle

So please, everyone. Whether you like your states red, blue or whatever color libertarians are right now– vote male. That office is oval enough as it is.

Julia Weiss (@Weiss_Tea) is a member of The Second City Touring Company, playwright, and regular contributor to The Paper Machete, a Weekly Live Magazine.