Whip Up a 'Fifty Shades of Grey' Party

Fifty Shades of Grey is hitting movie theaters today. Hard. Friend groups across America will be divided in two: those heavily experienced with the book–and those nervously anticipating the loss of their “Fifty Shades” virginity. Only one thing can ensure these total opposites come together:

A BDSM pre-game party! Here are some tips to tightly secure your party’s spot on top.

Private Invitations

A simple Facebook invite is too passive for such a power-top party planner. Take charge and get physical! Choose fifty guests you want to invite. Have steel gray colored cards made at your local whatever Kinko’s is called now. Then, strap on your highest fetish heels and coerce a submissive assistant into helping you with the delivery. Once your submissive is naked, throw a leash around their neck and get to banging on those doors. Make it fun! Have Submissive carry the party invitations by mouth as they crawl up and the concrete route. Imagine the shock on your guests’ faces when they open the door to find you on their stoop. How can anyone turn down such a special in-person request? Nobody does that anymore!

Décor & Decorum

Upon their entry into your suburban-basement-turned-Red-Room-of-Pain, have your fifty guests  sign non-disclosure agreements. Finalize these contracts by hoarsely whispering, “You smell divine” into their ears and yanking on their hair. Only when this step is complete can you begin to emotionally manipulate your visitors through a rousing game of Hot Pa-Balls-O.

The Game of Hot-Pa-Balls-O

Ground Rules:

• Heat a pair of silver balls in your mouth.
• Sit in a circle.
• No touching.
• Designate someone to play and stop the song “Whip It.”
• Players pass the balls by hand until the song stops.
• The person caught holding the hot balls must describe (in whisper tones and clichéd phrases) a time they felt powerfully submissive.

The game continues until players start feeling emotionally damaged and/or attached.

Snackie

Dare to serve traditional finger foods with an edgy presentation.

• Cheesy nachos on a rawhide platter
• Put a few rubber rings on your corndogs
• Caramel apples in ball-gag straps are deliciously hands-free and are sure to be the talk of the night

Here’s to making sure that your Fifty Shades gathering will dominate!

Atra Asdou is a writer/performer based in Chicago. She is currently performing through The Second City Training Center’s Severn Darden Graduate Program in the show “No Selfie Control,” now in process Saturdays at 7:30 pm and opening February 28^th at 9pm in the DeMaat Studio.