I grew up in the nineties and like many other debt-ridden Millennials I often gaze out into the distance recalling…
Which Bachelorette Contestant Are You?
1. Do you…
…Feel deeply insecure about your body and have a showy hairstyle to distract people from actually looking at you?
…Speak with a voice that sounds like someone whispering into a megaphone?
…Act giggly and lovey around a girl and as if you’re really into her, but behind closed doors don’t actually really like her?
Is your personality the equivalent of having the sniffles?
Then you might be a Brooks!
You’re aggressively meek and modeled like a cartoon villain character mashed up with a tampon commercial. You are sweet, slightly daring and have the kind of willpower that could overcome a sprained finger!
2. Do you…
…Have a tendency to re-cap what just happened over and over again so that people don’t realize you are never actually saying anything?
…Have a face so Botoxed up that it makes you look extra-surprised and emotional any time something happens?
…Fall in love quickly and deeply without any affirmation from the other person that they feel the same?
Are you naked right now?
Then you might be a Zak!
You’re exciting yet cheesy, artistic yet covered in bronzer. Your contradicting personality makes you super-fun, confusing and possibly a sociopath who learned how to be a man by watching previous Bachelor seasons. Also, you’re naked.
3. Do you…
…Consider a wild night to be one where you don’t brush your teeth?
…Think Hallmark cards are the greatest poetry ever written?
…Have a surprisingly average body given, that you used to play professional baseball?
…Ever get in fights where the only thing you do is “Shh” people?
Are you completely forgettable the first five times someone meets you?
Then you might be a Chris!
You live life by the book and always follow the rules. Boring and uninteresting, you are destined to lead a life of mediocrity, but to you– it feels like one big party!
4. Do you…
…Seem incredibly and stereotypically gay?
…Give off a strong metrosexual vibe, but are in fact probably gay?
…Like to convince yourself people actually believe you when you say, “I’ve never told anyone this before?”
….Enjoy meeting new people or reading books or even just a magazine side-bar article about someone who’s actually had a hard life, thus proving to you that your life is the hardest life ever?
Are you wearing a summer scarf over half-zip fleece right now?
You might be a Drew!
You’re pretty okay, but you can share the interesting facts about your family members and bleed them into your own persona. You’re the underdog that no one saw coming, with your hair gel and pointed shoes. The world is your Neal Lane-sponsored diamond!
Chelsea Devantez is a member of The Second City Touring Company and performs in The Second City’s Improv All-stars and Improv Extravaganza Explosion. She and her bff created the series Modern Women, and their pilot, www.