I like everyone else who was lucky enough to be born with ears was devastated to hear the news of…
If you’re like me, or at least my age (let’s not make too many assumptions here, we’re only in the first paragraph), a lot of your friends are having babies. Like, all your friends. And your little sister’s thinking about it. Even Kim Kardashian popped a kid out. That’s right, Kim and Kanye are somebody named North West’s parents, and you are not.
So, what should you expect when you’re UN-expecting? Your friends will pity you; your mother will worry.
Here’s how to handle it.
First, make sure that you are actually un-pregnant. Take it from the girl who got broken up with– twice– and had no idea. Sometimes things happen and you don’t know ‘til it’s too late. You don’t want to have moped about not being pregnant only to poop out a child 9 months later! A couple things to ask yourself: are you gaining weight? Are you eating more? Do you feel like you’re constantly being watched from the inside? These all may be signs that you’re pregnant. Or that you’re crazy. Unfortunately, there’s no scientific way to know, so just feel it out.
Buy a lot of things.
Like, whatever you want. Like, if you’re walking down the street and you look in a window and see a life-sized Marilyn Monroe statue, buy it. If you were pregnant, you wouldn’t be able to. Because it would be too heavy.
Eat dangerous food.
In no particular order: sushi, unpasteurized cheese, deli meat, fro yo straight from the dirty machine the person before you just sneezed on, possibly undercooked pork, a bowl of mercury squeezed out of a tuna, and wash it all down with a wine and coffee cocktail. And then puke, but not because it’s morning.
Do normal things.
Run to the store for something you’re out of. It’s easy when you don’t have a baby. Also, do laundry, own a white couch, wash your hair, wear pants without an elastic waistband and take a shit.
Sit in total silence.
Prepare yourself to feel jealous.
It’s natural to want what other people have. Especially if that thing happens to be the biological reason that you exist on this earth. I mean, just look at all your friends’ babies on Facebook. They want you to “like” all of them, right? Otherwise why would they put them there? So watch this as a deterrent:
Shit, that was pretty adorable.
Watch this one instead:
See? Some asshole could film you and your kid having a bad day and post in on Youtube. Aren’t you glad you don’t have to protect a child from internet?
Ok, so maybe it is getting to you. If you’re attached, do the following:
- Stop bathing. (Ever heard of pheromones?)
- Wait for the baby to show up.
If you’re unattached:
- Turn your apartment into a nursery, buy baby clothes and teething rings. (Ever heard of The Secret?)
- Wait for the baby to show up.
Good luck! If you do end up pooping out a baby in 9 months, I have some great tips for that, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hang out with my boyfriend who did not break up with me.
Weird, he’s not answering my texts…
Andel Sudik has written and performed at Second City, iO and is an alum of Boom Chicago in Amsterdam, loek ja?