An Op-Ed by Truck VanCar, Elected Duke of Patriarchy and Ted Nugent Enthusiast
When I finally decided to stop dating guys in bands because I couldn’t take all the drama, I turned to Improv Boyfriends. Curious about the genre? Here’s what you need to know.
They’re Not Hot
Tall, dark and handsome. Tall, blonde and handsome. Your Improv Boyfriend will be none of these things. There’s a 64% chance he’ll be a ginger. It’s a proven fact. How many times have you overheard someone approach a crazy-hot guy and say, “You’re criminally attractive. Has anyone ever told you that you should totally do improv?” Never.
They Have More Daddy Issues Than a Third-Shift Stripper
After his folks (probably from Michigan) put him through some fine college (probably in Ohio), there came a moment where your guy sat his dad down and said, “Pops, I’m not gonna take over the family business Grandpa started with $14 and a rusty hammer.” Realize that every single time your Improv Boyfriend is on stage miming opening a briefcase and pretending to be a “business man,” he’s trying to prove something to his old man… who still hasn’t come to a show. But his mom did. Once.
They Bring Their “Work” Home
Improv isn’t a hobby; it’s a way of life. And now it’s your life, too. Ever had a fight with your boyfriend where one side of the argument came at you via song parody? No? Well, prepare yourself appropriately. What rhymes with “I want to eat dinner in a restaurant that doesn’t serve burritos?” Also, it would appear that taking suggestions from audience members for types of fruit and albums from the 90s is some intense manual labor, because Improv Boyfriends are always really, really sweaty.
They Require New Puppy-Levels of Attention
You wouldn’t think your Improv Boyfriend could be “on” at the doctor’s office while you’re finding out you may or may not have a chronic incurable disease, but he can. So many bits with the jar of tongue depressors, so little time. And speaking of feeling sick, good luck with all of that is he has a bad show. Someone’s gonna be curled up on your couch (probably in your jammies) watching Boy Meets World for at least two– and up to sixteen– days.
If You’re Lucky Enough to Date the One Hot One…
They’re rare, but they do exist. Don’t get excited. He already has a girlfriend he hasn’t told you about, he only texts between 2 and 4:30 a.m., and he’ll eventually move to L.A. One day, you’ll spot him in a Toyota/Verizon/Budweiser commercial, so you’ll look him up on IMDB and feel better when you see his only credit is from 2008 and is followed by this: (short). And possibly this: (post-production). Still, it will always appear that his headshot smirk is directed squarely at you.
Liz Kozak (Editor-in-Chief) was way into cats before being into cats was en vogue. You can find out more about her and what else she’s into (besides cats and En Vogue) on her blog, poseypieproductions.com.
Follow Liz: @LizKoz