There is so, so much about 2017 that we’d all like erased from our brains.
It’s 2:41 PM! You just woke up after yesterday’s Cinco de Mayo. And as you’re the sort of lady or chap who commits themselves to only the finest partying, it was quite the day for you. But what about the real holiday, Seis de Mayo? Are you adequately prepped? Since you probably can’t move more than three feet off of your or someone else’s couch right now, you might as well scour this checklist for the ultimate post-party party.
First and foremost, check the kitchen, where you’ll find the brownest guac possible. Left untreated, the avocado evolution will turn the fine color and consistency of mulch. Toss a stale Tostito in there, swirl it around and devour as a mid-afternoon heat check against your bile.
Sweeten the deal by squirting in some juice from one of the dozens of stray limes you purchased three days earlier, or perhaps some salt better used for an in-mouth margarita. You can wash it down with Tecate, the beer that answers the question, “Hey, earlier there was a bunch of La Croix under the receptionist’s desk…is this movie set in the 2010s?” Chase with Advil, kicking away the literal headaches and leaving only the metaphorical ones.
Look no further than that big plastic bucket touching the side of the sofa! Olé! Your cangilón grande will help you carry the party with you, from the couch to the bathroom and back again. You pounded on the windows of your friendly neighborhood Latin fusion establishment yesterday, so today hear that same pulsing beat as you slap helplessly to wrap your hands around it to fill it with three slow spits, every seven minutes!
When your head clears, reach into your boxer briefs and pull out that receipt for fake mustaches you’re hopefully too embarrassed to get a refund for! Boy, it sure was fun for that eight seconds when you wore a national identity as a costume. With your big grin and your incoherent screaming, you looked like 80% of logos for Midwest burrito chains. But now you’ve got a chance to return your Party City Fiesta Facial Hair Set, and inexplicably the paper trail is still there! Hopefully, you make the choice to save everyone the discomfort of returning the lip hugger and decide to just keep it, though if you’ve appropriated once, you’re probably not the type of person who’s gonna predict this will go out of style.
You can start by calling the numbers you got last night! Hell, yeah! Sure, it’s for the owner of the party trolley you released some form of human liquid into, but a connection’s a connection. Go all out and pay $2.99 for unlimited voicemail, the one-stop-shop to hear all potential hookups, threats, tear-filled soliloquies, liens and butt-dials whom you screamed at! Worth every penny for your catchup day. And last but not least, how about a little fun with a traditional* treasure** hunt***?
*Non-traditional **Missing debit card ***Search plan
The best way to remember your big day is one of those friendly coupon books, but all the coupons are different forms of apologies. Speaks for itself. But perhaps the best place to remember what a Cinco de Mayo you had is at your understanding place of work. Your productivity probably starting to wind down on Thursday, was non-existent on Friday, and there’s no way you’re taking the weekend to catch up on anything other than what’s new on your bathroom floor. Hopefully, your boss won’t mind you making it up over the next week. Bonus points if your job’s at one of those places where the ping-pong tables and total lack of clocks replaced your dental plan; a couple 60-hour weeks will rebuild that goodwill.
And you can hear a thoughtful chime to put you right back in the spirit, because of course you set every playlist, push notification and ringtone to Shakira! Oh, she’s Colombian? What a shame, but then again if you truly gave a shit about Mexican heritage, you would have spent the day writing your congressional representatives until your wrists ached like the first Disney animators, so….
Sean Sullivan performs with “Baby Wants Candy,” Saturday nights at 9pm in Judy’s Beat Lounge at The Second City Training Center.